I was diagnosed with an eating disorder NOS some time ago. I binged regularly until a few months ago, without purging, and got a bit overweight. It was not BED, though, or so I was told.

Now I'm very stressed out and yesterday I bought cookies. I started eating, both yesterday and today, but I couldn't eat too many of them because I've starved myself for the last week and so my stomach doesn't accept too much food at the moment. But I wanted desperately to eat all the cookies and then throw up (I've never thrown up on purpose, I'm almost scared of throwing up).

I want to burn all the stupid cookies. I had managed to lose some weight these past few months and I don't want to gain weight again.

Moreover, my boyfriend is insisting I go to the seaside with him but I can't go because I feel so incredibly fat even though I know that I'm not. He says I'm not fat and that nobody is going to say anything about that because I'm fit. He simply doesn't understand, I don't really mind what the others say, I feel fat and so I am, and I cannot stay on the seaside wearing only my bikini, I simply cannot.