Mary Alice,
I have some questions and thoughts. If you don't want to answer don't.

"I couldn't let him in - I can't allow myself to care that someone thinks I am worthwhile."
I don't understand this. Your T thinks you are worthwhile and we all think you are. I KNOW your son does, you are the most important person in his world. Why don't you want to believe that? Do you really believe that? I know your husband thinks of you as a paycheck and that's really sad BUT concider the source. He himself is worthless, not you.

"I simply can not let him in and disrupt things that I have planned."

Why do you go? Why do you keep coming here? I know you made a deadline and your focus is on that but why are you reaching out. If you know it is the right thing to do why make a deadline? Why bother going on making freinds here and going to see your T? Mary Alice, I don't believe you have given up hope and I don't believe you want to end your life. I think you are tired, tired of being hurt and tired of feeling useless. I understand that, alot of us do. Did you make a deadline because maybe just maybe something good could happen before then? It has you know. You have people here who genuinely care about you. I have never met you and I will never see your face but I genuinely care about you. There is something in you that has touched my heart. I read your postings to others about hanging on, being friends, seeing life instead of suicide. I see a woman who cares and who wants to be cared about. Maybe right now the people around you don't make you feel that way but I also see that you wouldn't let them if they tried thier best. You don't have to let everyone in. You just need one good person, someone who cares. You have more than that already.

"Nice, efficient, all together Mary Alice went and did all the right things.....but that isn't me."
How is it that you can do well at work and impress people with your skills and that not be "you"? That is a part of you. Every person has many "parts", those parts make a whole person. Good and bad parts, it's what makes us who we are. Those things that you do regarding work, your ability to function and do well is because of who you are. Why won't you let yourself see that? The good, positive things in you? Those things show me that given the right environment you could thrive and provide very well for your son.

You mentioned in another post that providing was your only worth and right now you are not able to do that "properly". I will tell you again that income does not equal worth. You can provide in many other ways also. Emotionally and physically. There is alot you can give to the people you care about that money cannot buy. You cannot buy a hug, a sense of love, caring, being there, being tucked in at nite, there is so much more. You CAN always under any circumstances provide those things for your son. So maybe right now you wouldn't be able to buy him really nice tennies or maybe you can't go to the movies every other day but I bet your son would much rather have you make him something to eat for dinner even if it's mac and cheese and sit on the couch with you and watch TV. HE needs you, you can provide so much more for him. There is no one else that can replace you. He needs you for those hugs and to make him feel complete love. There is nothing that compares to a bond between a mother and a child.

"but sitting in front of him and keeping those barricades up in front of the one person who I believe genuinely cares, is not easy."
Your T cares Mary Alice. Yes, true he is getting paid but he went to school and chose this line of work to help people. He sees something in you that you will not allow yourself to see. You admit that he is the one person who could help you. Let him care, let him help. There is so much more to life than pain. I know we are all here because we have troubles or are in pain of some sort. We are all looking for someone to care and to help in whatever way they can. We wouldn't be here if we didn't need eachother and if it didn't help.
You can get better, you can deal with past issues. It hurts and it's hard, I know When you feel better about yourself and are in a safer, positve environment life will look so much different to you. You will see people differently. You will learn what kind of people bring you down and those that will keep you up. Sometimes you misjudge and you will get hurt but you move on and you have others in your life.
I think about you every day. I hope one day before your deadline I will hear that you are leaving your bad marriage and you want to live. That for me will be a beautiful day because I know that day a child will have his mother to watch him grow and be there for him always and the world will not have lost a beautiful person so tragically.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley