I really am okay. Really, guys.

I do have BPD. Until recently (or maybe still, maybe I'm in a snag), I didn't meet criteria for the disorder. Part of what has sent me into a tailspin is that I see myself going back to that point, and it feels hopeless, like I'll never get past it, never be healed.

I HONESTLY don't know what came over me Thursday night when I lost my shyt with him. Like I told my (offline) friend, a week prior, we were okay, communicating, albeit sparsely, on friendly terms. No, I wasn't drinking, no, nothing happened. I do not know. I am a fairly spiritual person, and I have in the last little while, taken to meditating at least once a day. Lately, it's been morning and night, because I HAVE to in order to survive. I hadn't done that in a few days. When I meditate, I can see (mostly) clearly, I don't feel that gripping feeling in my heart when I think about pain or loss, and I am more objective. After just wallowing last night, I was like, okay, I have to just sit. I burned some palo santo, cleared my space, and just that made me feel about 10x lighter. And then I sat in meditation and cleared my head for about a half hour. I came up feeling, well, clearer and not necessarily happy, but stronger. And not angry at him, not angry at myself, not hating my job, not hating life.

I'm trying to maintain that. It's really easy to slip back into negativity. I'm sorry I got mad this morning. But I am a sponge, and I tend to absorb other people's energy; when I perceive negativity directed at me, sometimes I react defensively.

I'm sorry.