Okay, sorry if this is the wrong subforum for this question, there are so many subforums it's confusing and at this moment I am incapable of calmly searching for the right one. I am a 22 year old male who was bullied a lot in my youth, that is the reason why my parents suggested me to visit a psychologist, I've been diagnosed with just depression at first, then I was transferred to another psychologist.

After some fairly "simple" tests (just forms I had to answer) my psychologist diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder, so I accepted that diagnosis because I thought that he was right. I still haven't started any treatment because it isn't possible yet... So I went to do my own research on this disorder and I myself came to the conclusion that it's a wrong diagnosis. Now you might think "How can you know better than somebody who is an expert at this?" Well like I said, I simply filled in some forms... I don't think the results are that reliable, of course that's my opinion.

So when I searched on possible disorders that fit my problems the one that really caught my eye is borderline personality disorder. Why? I shall explain.

One of my biggest problems is my anger, I can start raging like crazy over something really simple and I have no control whatsoever over my anger, I can't stop it or control it. I start kicking and throwing objects around me, screaming to the person I have a problem with at that time and there is no way I can calm down. Taking a deep breath does not work.

Everyday I have a completely worthless feeling, or better to describe it empty feeling, nothing matters. The biggest reason why I suspect of myself that I have borderline is the way I treated my only friend, a girl who I got feelings for, I have never had a girlfriend before. I talked with her everyday until the moment I ****ed up, I got feelings and told her... she rejected me but wanted to stay friends, ever since our "friendship" has been destroyed by me. I sometimes play games with her and when I see her playing with somebody else I get jealous, crazy and paranoid. Im afraid she will stop being my friend and choose the other people over me. So stupid as I am I confront her with this and so starts a big fight... one moment I trust her, the other I don't at all, one moment she is perfect, the other she is the anti-christ. We've been in so many fights that I lost count, at some point I threatened her that I would commit suicide, I actually did this several times, as a cry for help. I promise it won't happen again but it happens again and again. Im so afraid she will have enough one day and then Ill be all alone again, I do anything to prevent this but sadly in a wrong way... Im just getting her more distant from me.

I am not really impulsive... at least not with the normal described possibilities. Have no access to alcohol, I barely/never drive a car, I do binge eat from time to time but not that excesssive it happens more often that I dont eat at all. I do sometimes buy things I do not need at all or never use, but its not that crazy that I spent too damn much money.
However I change my career ambitions on a frequent basis, I started an education as IT engineer but changed my ambitions at least 5 times within last 2 years.

My emotions can change very fast, I can wake up happy, be angry an hour later for a couple hours and go to bed sad.

Often I hit myself, I do not cut but I start hitting myself, not softly but full of rage, hitting my head, my arms, chest... anywhere I feel like at that moment. Feeling suicidal very often.

Sorry for the long text and possible grammar mistakes. I just need to know what others think, I send something similar to this to my psychologist but she hasn't reacted for days.

Thank you.