11 years ago me and Sarah were inseparable. We had been best friends our whole lives and since I could remember I had been madly in love with her. She was the girl of my dreams, my soulmate.
The girl I would one day marry and have kids with. She lived in Sweden, I would often visit her ( I have family there).

One random day in 2005 she told me that "she really really loved me" I was so happy! But I was terrified. What if I messed things up and ruined our friendship? I asked her if we could do this some other time. I took her feelings for granted. I thought her feelings like mine would stay like that forever.

As soon as I returned home I realized how dumb and wrong I was. I loved this girl, I wanted us to be together. I should have told her that. I saw her 3 years later. And I wanted to tell her this but before I could she sat me down and told me she had met someone. I was crushed. She didn't love me anymore. I just didn't understand how you could care so much about someone and love them so much and suddenly that feeling vanishes? She later got married to that guy at age 20. I remember seeing the pictures on facebook and contemplating suicide. The girl I had loved since I was a toddler was now married to someone else.

Since we had common friends we sorta kept in touch. One of those facebook things. But I've never stopped loving her and wishing in my heart that she may come back to me.
Why am I mentioning this you ask? Well recently she was traveling Europe and she stayed at my cousin's house. I got to see her and she told me that I was just a crush and that I meant nothing to her. It's 11 years later and I still feel it, still feel the agony of her saying the words "I don't love you". What I would give to go back in time to the days she said she loved me.

I am so sad today, she used to love me. She used to say things like "I really love you that I'll always love you" Lies. Just lies.
You would think at least 1% of fondness or love would be in her heart for me but you would be wrong, there is nothing. Nothing at all except indifference. I would give anything to have her look at me the way she did, speak the way she did. I would be so happy if I heard her say the words that she loved me that marrying that other guy was just one big mistake. That she wishes that she could go back so we could be together.

But we will never be together. That dream is a fallacy. There is no place in her heart for me. After spending an entire day with her I can see that now. I hate my life. This life is nothing more than sadness. I wish I could go back, just once you know. Back to the days when she used say I love you.

I was so hoping that she would like me again. But nah, she doesn't care. She doesn't even care to hug me. It's not fair, how was I supposed to know that, that was my one and only chance at love!? I didn't know. I thought it would always be there. I was so wrong. I should have had my first kiss with her, I should have had my first sexual experience with her.

I'm 26 years old and guess what I've never even had my first kiss. How was I supposed to know that, that was my one and only chance at kissing someone!? Of finding someone who loved me!? I hate myself for not manning up and kissing her then and there. I know we would be married now if I had. I am an *****. I'm tired of being sad all day, tired of looking at porn imagining what it might actually feel like to be with a woman. I've asked out hundreds of women but no one likes me. I've done this in every venue you can imagine and I've tried online dating. No one likes me.

Even when I watch hollywood movies, I get jealous when there is a kissing scene, I have never had that. And I never will. The sadness in me is growing, every day. I've stopped smiling, I never laugh. I can't make eye contact with people because I'm afraid the way they'll look at me. Like I'm not enough. That I am failure. I just don't want to live anymore.