Talthybius, i'm going through your story and we do share some similarities. Like ,,If I was going to compete, I would want to be top 20%. But it was too late for that, as my life had been going to wrong way all my youth to be among the 20% successful. I wasn't going to spend any energy in trying to not be the bottom 50%." I also cannot put my effort into something I'm either not interested in or the chances for being really good/best at it are lost. I've heard a lot of "You must try harder because you're slower than the rest" thing and it always pissed me off. I also isolated myself from society because I feel like I have nothing to look for there (I had years of severe bullying) and that I cannot "meet their standards". I was obsessive and almost abusive in my love life, never successful. My sexuality is also messed up. Although I don't get involved in any sexual behaviour anymore.

I deal with panic attacks since I was a child and know it doesn't bother me that much.

Have you had your appointment with the counselor?

If I had to list my traits quickly, I'd mention being an extrelemy weird, tantrum-tempered- little-professor-child who hated other children and lived in their fantasy world. My family hated me for that because, for example, I despised my mother's brother kid. I was severely bullied for years and years, both physically and verbally. Never managed to keep a friend due to my weird behaviours. People were also telling my mother that I'm vicious and phony because I couldn't keep and eye contact and was extremely defensive. I was terrible at sports and any physical activity. Learning to catch a ball took me three years. I was making fun of because of that. I cannot dance, swim, drive. I'm extremely slow and have a terrible working memory, they almost fired me from my last job because I was making so many mistakes after months of working there. I still have huge meltdowns over irrelevant matters and anger tantrums. My long term memory and verbal memorization are better than average. My reaction to things is longer than other people's. I need a lot of time to understand what's going on a get a grip. This sometimes lead me to being taken advantage of and even sexually harassed. I didn't understand other's personal zones, I clinged to guys and got irrational like to the point of looking really weird and mad. I don't notice people and their faces right away. I have problems with speech, I speak too quietly, mumble, don't finish words, I sound aggressively when I want to sound nice and stuff. I'm mimicking others when stressed. People don't like to interact with me because I seem grumpy and overwhelmed all the time. My gestures are all messed up. Seem to be flirting when I don't want to. I'm too honest and speak everything right away, even if the questions are too private or intimidating (for example I had this abusive driving instructor and he took his friend and they kept asking me if I had sex before my exam. They shouldn't do that, I should tell them to back the hell off. But just kept smiling nervously and answered them truly, then thought about it). I make wrong accusations sometimes and judge people harshly etc etc. Ofc this is just like 5% of my whole life story.

It's all painful anyway. I'm intelligent and had ambitions, was pretty gifted and now the guys who missed 80% of school, passed it just by chance and always needed my help to write simple Polish tasks, they're sitting and laughing at me. Everyone went to uni, even those who had like 30-40% in their exams (30 is what u need to pass). I had 90% from Polish, 100% from basic English, 95% from extended English, 100% from oral English and 40% from extended Philosophy... 22% from Maths. So embarassing. It wouldn't bother me so much if it wouldn't matter to me and I wouldn't mind working at a cash register my whole life...But I do mind that. I don't want my life to look like this. I have my next results (I take this exam twice a year) on 5th of July.