i would say i am afraid, but i have feared many things for a very long time and simply dont know if what my fear is equates the same as what normal fear is..
because i simply am, but i am not... and i can not say these things just anywhere because i may be toxic and i do not want to harm anyone...
i dont feel many things... but i do feel everything... and i am tired of trying to hide from it... of not knowing, but having my life controlled...

i am not afraid, i am annoyed.. the things i walk with make sure of it...
and i don't want to seem psychotic... believe me, sometimes i wish it was that simple...

my loneliness is probably my own causation... but i am not alone...
but i just want to be left alone... but i cant because it is something that has been ingrained in my mind apparently...

if i could just regain control over my mind i could be very successful... happy... i could feel again, the way humans do...

i dont know where it went wrong... or if it even did go wrong, but i need to know...

you know?

i love people... i love myself... or i love what we are supposed to be... but i have a lot of things inside... i guess they could be compared to beliefs... what you see and feel... what you interpret the reality as... how you see... my vision has been tampered with... what i feel has been modified...


i know that i am going to be disturbed about writing this...
i know that people that do read will have passive judgements...
i wouldn't leave a sick human or a dieing animal on the side of the road...
im not a bad person... bad things have just happened to me...
maybe i let these things happen...
i know no one probably will understand, but i just need to say i want to escape... i want to make it better, i want to change it...

i just want to be 'normal'
i just want to be human...

i dont know what to feel...
the shame i have is paramount...
for being afflicted... conflicted...

i dont know if anyone knows what its like for your family to look at you and fear for your soul...
if you even have one...