I'm not really sure what to do these days. I have been constantly suicidal, and last week I made a stupid attempt involving a relapse in drug use that's had terrible repercussions this week. I feel...twisted. Like I'm not really me. Others close to me know that I am an FTM transgender, but I don't think that my boyfriend's conservative family could handle it if I transitioned. I don't even know what my own family would say. I feel trapped in my own body, I don't feel any connection with the person I see in the mirror, I'm anxious every minute of every day, my meds never let me sleep, and I just wonder...I've dealt with this for 11 years. I keep reading posts about people who have suffered with their episodes for 20, or 30. The last time I was in psych, I met a guy who had been visiting the same hospital for 20 years, ever since he was a teenager. It really sunk in for me. Will I get better? I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and I constantly feel as though he would be better without me. He says that I'm his world, but then I'll have a bad night, and suddenly, it's too much, and we're blowing up again. I'm supposed to be getting better. I'm taking the meds. I'm going to my therapist. Is it too much to ask for to have a good day once in a while? At this point, I feel like happiness is just a sham. You are either born in a way that you can accept the status quo, or you are defective and you ought to give up. I had a psychotic break last week, and trying to explain my actions for my generally pretty mentally stable boyfriend was impossible. I almost wish that he could get it, so that he could let me go. But at the same time. I don't really want to die. I don't want to let him go — my life is really starting to look up, in many ways. I just want the parts of me that are broken to die. You can't peel away the layers until you get to the part of you that isn't rotten, and that's the part that sucks. I feel like I've gotten a taste of happiness, and suddenly, someone is ripping it out from underneath me. Please tell the truth, does it seem to anyone else like there is any hope out there?