Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruari
Oh, I didn't see this! I was getting ready to go somewhere rand was reading in a hurry. I feel this way sometimes, too. Sometimes I want to sit on my balcony--I've made it very pretty out there--but my neighbors are on theirs (pretty much all the time in the warm weather) and I'm like, grrrr, I want to be outside alone. The balconies are all connected in my building, separated by a little lattuce divider. They need to actually make walls so that we can have privacy.
Anyway, I digress.
RxQueen said something about my being overbearing and a tough cookie, and I've been thinking about that. I guess I can be overbearing. I try really hard not to be, but it comes from a place of fear. I don't really know how to be any other way; everything good I have in my life came from my hard work. Can't really gain love and friendship through hard work though. Not really. And being a tough cookie...I don't like that about myself. But I think I had to be that way growing up. Long story about why, many chapters. JD (sorry to bring him up) mentioned the toughness, but he said he saw right through it. That I tried to be so tough, but he saw the vulnerable girl underneath. I just now remembered that conversation. Not many people see that. I wonder if that scared me a bit.
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I read through your posts. My impression is that you are/were in a really angry and painful place. It's hard to be vulnerable and strong at the same time. I'm a strong person too and every single day I work on letting people into my world. People are and less so now, intimidated by that strength. Strength is a good thing unless it prevents us from connecting with others. I don't know what it's like for you in the world outside of psyche central.
I wondered as I read the post about how you lost it on him if it was because you were angry about showing him some vulnerability and how scary that felt. I'm just speculating here, I don't presume to know what happened.
Then there is the intelligence factor. You know you have worked hard, are successful, have so much going for you and yet you're right, those things won't help you right now. And you're smart enough to know that and how horribly frustrating that is!
I needed to read those posts. I'm glad you outlined exactly what you were thinking, because I react this way to my therapist more often than I realized and I didn't know exactly how he saw it until I read what you wrote. I didn't realize how much pain he saw, now I see too. I want to hug you or maybe I want to hug me.
I don't mean that as I'm glad you were in such a place, because I don't, at all. .
.for a small paranoid moment I was thinking you were my therapist. Then I shook myself and decided I was nuts.
As for the neighbors. Why can't they go inside and watch TV like normal people so I can be alone for 5 minutes?
#Life is a beautiful lie#