Like I told him (and my T), not being acknowledged when I was freaking pushing so hard for acknowledgement and communication was incredibly triggering. I've been ignored and put into a corner all my life, made to feel inconvenient, unimportant. A bother. A mistake. My mother did it. Kids at school did it. Teachers did it. My aunts and uncles threw gifts at me when I was a kid, but when I went to stay with them (so my mom could have a break from me), they did it. I was exasperating; they didn't have kids, and didn't know what to do with me, so they just set me in front of some cable TV to keep me quiet. My foster parents and foster siblings did it; I wasn't like them, so they pretty much ignored me. Boys at church in my early 20's, the girls in all the little church cliques, the guys I dated in my 20's...I got so sick of trying to get people to SEE and HEAR me. In my early 20's I went through a period of time where I pretended to be someone I was not, because when I acted a certain way, at least people paid attention to me. I mean, they seemed to connect with me, you know? And then my family did it again when they repeatedly ignored boundaries, forwarding gifts and letters from the mother who abandoned me when I was 15 even though I specifically asked them not to, repeatedly. When they shamed me for not wanting to meet my dad, so I did, and it was absolutely horrible.

Yeah, heh. I think a trigger was tripped. I mean, when the eff is anyone in my life going to listen to what I have to say? When are MY boundaries going to be respected? I hear so much about how I do this thing that is bad, and that thing that is bad, and I'm so this and I'm so that, and maybe I shouldn't push so hard and I'm overbearing...but I wonder, does anyone in my offline life actually hear me when I say things or ask for things in a kind, gentle way? Because I do. I don't like pushing. But I don't like being ignored, either.