I cut myself again. It had been like 9 months. Not that I haven't thought about it nearly daily in those months. Life has gotten more difficult. I have a lot of shame about self harming. I don't exactly fit the mold, but in my life it's the only thing I found to cope when I feel like everything is falling apart.

Work has been going badly. There have been some mistakes on my projects, costly ones. I'm a mechanical engineer and the stereotype is that we are smart and don't make mistakes. I am really hard on myself. Its not just work, my depression has been getting worse for the last six months. I've had good days but the average day I feel down and blue, the other ones I am just trying to cope through the day and hoping that everyone I interact with doesn't realize how much I would just rather crawl into a hole and get away from everything.

So a couple weeks ago I cut. I had a hard day, and part me me just didn't want to stop myself. They maybe 3 or four times since then. I think about it at least once a day or most often much more. I shouldn't do it and I think when/or if my spouse discoveries it, then it will cause her a lot of stress.

I also found out a few weeks ago she is pregnant with our second child.

I don't know what advice im looking for. I should stop but part of me just doesn't want to. There is something comforting about it, in a very dark way. I haven't found that anywhere else. I guess it is the emotional release from the act.