I can imagine that must have been confusing! If someone had told me after two years that my father was faking heart problems, I think I would have snapped- gone mad! So many different thoughts are churning around when a close one is sick. I had a very good relationship with my father, but if you didn't, I can imagine it must have been even more thoughts churning around that you woul dhave to rearrange after the knowledge.

Sexual abuse is such a sensitive subject, it is touching some of what we hold dearest- our privacy. It is tickling on the negative feelings we have problems getting rid of, the unfair shame, guilt, and the mixed emotions. It's not really like telling about a "almost hitting a tree accident on ski, only broke my ancle". You did not die, but internal wounds take so much longer time to heal than external.

The cost of being an emotional being, or should we say the burden of the ability to feel happiness? It's such a sad sad thing that human beings keep giving each other eternal wounds. The world is hostile enough as it is.

I hope you manage to write your story, maybe it can make you realize something about yourself and your own feelings around the subject? Sexual abuse is never fair, and it always hurts. What I find worst with it is that it is giving so many sticking feelings of guilt and shame, feelings that does NOT belong to being abused!

Good luck

Charlie