On Friday T and I were discussing why it is so hard for me to talk about my feeling towards him. I told him, "I know that typically it is supposed to be okay for me to feel these things... to say these things to you because you are my therapist... but rather, it ends up being the opposite... I feel as though since you are my therapist, I shouldn't feel these things for you.... because essentially, it's like feeling strong emotion for a stranger."

And he seemed surprised. He said, "A stranger? How long have we been working together?"

Two years next month.

And then I sort of felt bad. I didn't know if he was hurt by me calling him a stranger. I didn't ask either. Looking back, I wish I asked how he felt when I said that. I want to ask him that next week.

I have gotten somewhat past viewing T as an object. Every since he began disclosing some emotion to me, I have been able to see him as a human, I have been able to see the real relationship, as he has openly reciprocating the connection in so many ways.

But while I see him as (part) human, I also see him as sort of a stranger. And I break things down to the point in which I am telling myself...... how stupid to feel all of these things for someone who is essentially a stranger to me. A therapist. Not a friend, a husband, or a companion.... someone that I know almost nothing about.

So I feel embarrassed and stupid for having these feelings towards T, a stranger.

A stranger who calls me out of the blue to recommend a book he thinks I would like.

Do strangers do that?

Probably not.

But still....