Caramee and Perna, thank you for your support. It makes me feel very validated. I think one of the (lesser) things I'm apprehensive about is that people around me won't understand how significant this relationship with my therapist has been or why losing her will hit me so hard.

The reason why I have to end is complicated. After a year and a half of therapy, I started university in a different city. I commuted weekly or twice weekly back 'home' to see her. That was fine, until during my second year of university I became chronically ill with M.E./CFS. I've spent the last year and a half back in my home city. I've been quite disabled at times because of my illness, but because I've been geographically close to my therapist I've been able to keep seeing her. Now I'm somewhat better, I'm going back to uni as a disabled student. But I'm not well or able enough to commute this year, so I have to stop seeing her.

She's said I can come back for a few sessions during my next vacation if I feel I need it, but that it's not a good idea to prolong ending in that way. I did know that if I chose to return to university this year I'd have to terminate therapy with her. It was a difficult choice - I'm not entirely ready to go back to university health-wise - but neither do I want another year out, isolated from people my own age.

I am talking to my therapist about this ending. We're mostly talking about my feelings, of sadness, disbelief, anger, confusion. I've told her I'm going to try and set up some coping strategies like writing in my journal, taking some time out for myself, and seeing a university counsellor until I can find some more long-term therapy. She hasn't suggested any ways of coping though, she's very much a mirror/reflective figure. It's just ones that I've come up with. But then I suppose I haven't asked her...

I could ask her to write a letter, or ask her for a small item. I just have this feeling she'll say it's not a good idea ... she feels that generally I struggle with verbal communication and accepting the transitory imperfect nature of relationships. Would she think I was trying to avoid that by asking for an object?

I like the idea of working on a 'different piece'. I guess by returning to university that is what I'm doing. That's a positive way of looking at it, thank you. What did you do with the time that you'd spend nornally with your therapist? Because I know that each Tuesday afternoon, when I used to see her, will be hard ...

Also, another thing that I really wanted to share or ask for advice about ... When I got ill, I was in a nine month relationship with a really good guy. I broke it off shortly after getting ill (my decision not his), I was completely non-functioning, in bed all day, occasionally in a wheelchair. After about a year apart, I recovered enough, and, two months ago we got back together. But we did it on the agreement that we'd go on a break as both of us started our academic years again. One of my big reasons for wanting the break was the fact I was ending psychotherapy. I have been really worried that I'd end up transferring my dependence onto him if I was in a relationship. So currently we're only talking on a really basic level to avoid that.

But I'm finding as the ending approaches, I'm feeling more and more unstable and in need of any support I can get. I'm not sure if I should say anything to him, ask for a bit more support or not. Or is this not what I was trying to prevent myself from doing in the first place?

Thanks again for your support
xxxx