My acting is a survival skill, not bc I want to, but because I have to.
Like right now Im sitting alone in a restaurant, with my pretend (actiress) pleasant smiling face, and being very polite/ friendly to waitress (I come here often),
, when inside I want to burst into tears.

First time Ive eaten all day ( 9pm) Ive been starving for several hours.
Im in a city, no place safe to get something quick...
I do not have a home, so either I force myself "to act normal and happy"
(And be out in public) or I starve.
Theres just so many days I can survive on snacks I keep in car (cookies, crackers etc). I crave "real fresh food" so much it hurts.

When I had a home (50 years) I ate very healthy and pretty much cooked everything from scratch. I hate fast food, always have.

I know this sounds off-topic, but it really isnt. The point I'm trying to make, is sometimes u need to force yourself to do things, u dont want to, when the benefits outweigh the risks...
(I think thrre are tremendous benefits to fresh air and sunshine).

Btw, I ordered hot tea, because the waitress mentioned my shaking spasm-like), (asked if I was ok) and I lied and said I was cold, (Im not, just had a major panic attack as soon as I sat down).

Its very crowded and noisy, which is very upetting to me
(only when Im severly depressed like I am now, am I so intolerant of noise and crowds, etc.

Btw, as soon as I distracted myself (writing this post) on my phone, my body (panic) started to subside.
(I stopped paying attention to the people who seemed to be STARING, like this guy at the next table.

MAYBE THATS A SOLUTION, have or do something while ur walking outside? (a dog headphones, a phone...)

Btw, I really enjoy awkward people , I find them very interesting and unique and usually nicer, more sincere...