I'm not particularly noticing that I am feeling pain or anything in particular. I feel stupid for needing this attention and for being a brat and everything. I could just post something all happy and tell everyone thanks, like I ought to do. I'll be fine, really.

I don't even need to cut, or care about it at all. All the track marks from sticking sewing pins in the back of my hand are gone, and I haven't thought much of even doing that in a while. Oh hey, I just identified a feeling! I'm scared. When I stop hurting myself in small ways, things start building up and eventually I might totally lose it. I'm scared about that. And I'm scared because I told my T that part of me likes it when I get really bad, so depressed that I'm ready to give up - there is a thrill in feelings that deep and intense. I haven't been down that road for a year now. She said that was serious and very dangerous (that part of me likes that and identifies with self-destruction, like that's the only way that I really live). It scares me.

As far as meds, all I've ever been on is St. John's Wort. And light therapy. Winter gets a little more intense, but if I behave myself and take the right amount I'm ok. But I don't always take it, and sometimes I take too much, and I don't sleep because I don't feel like it (even though I can sleep now - haven't had much insomnia since starting SJW a year and a half ago), and I only get up early enough for light therapy maybe once or twice a week when I need it every day, but if I do it too late, I'll stay up later, and just make it worse.

Angela, I did talk to her about the "refusal" thing, but it's just one of many things I wrote about and she just chooses a couple of themes to address. That one isn't going to register on the priority list. And she's not going to reply until Sunday anyway.

Everyone, thank-you for your responses and support and hugs and everything! It means a lot to me, and I needed it. I'm sorry that I'm a stinker.

((((((hugs for all))))))))
Wendy