Sorry, I forgot to reply; I was at work when I read these.

Seesaw: I think it will get more bearable. I have some supportive people at work, and just had a talk with one of the doctors I really get along with and respect. He was like, "I've been doing this for over 10 years, and there are still days I am terrified." He says he feels like if I'm not nervous as a brand new ER nurse, then that would be cause for extreme concern. He said I just happened to choose one of the hardest departments to work in. He thinks I'm doing well, my preceptors think I'm doing well and am ready to be off orientation...the four of them just feel that I really need to learn to go easier on myself. I fully agree with this; I can be a real perfectionist. Which isn't all bad--I kind of think you want a little of that in a nurse! Maybe not as much of it as I have, though. I have a hard time not panicking when I feel even slightly behind but, hello, it's an ER and things are going to pile up. That's the nature of the beast. I need to learn how to just ride the wave, prioritize, delegate, and not stress the eff out about things getting backed up. So my one patient has to wait for their Tylenol because I'm administering a critical cardiac IV medication to another. So be it. So someone yells at me because they have been waiting to be discharged because I've been doing those other two things. Oh freaking well. (It actually gets way more piled up than that, but even that little back up could cause me to stress... )

Monday: I couldn't agree more. When I was going to church back in my early 20's, I was often chastised for a rebellious "Jezebel" spirit. I told this to JD, and he laughed. He was like, "Well...I like Jezebel." I think he likes the strong will, but maybe not so much the overbearingness. Which isn't a word, but you get what I mean. I have grown to not care if people, or specifically men, feel that I am outspoken in asking for what I want. While I do think my edges could use a little softening, my strong nature is what has gotten me through life with my mind (somewhat) intact, and it's not going anywhere.

PS I've done a lot of contemplation though, and I believe in the case of all the stuff I was up in arms about...I was wrong. It's not all my fault, but I was paranoid and pushy. I absolutely don't believe there was another woman in JDs life, at least not while he was talking to me. I wish I didn't jump to conclusions so quickly all the time.