Let me back up and give the full picture.

Since the start of the new year I have felt my depression getting worse. I chalked it up to stress. I had my tonsils removed, I was planning a wedding, a move, and starting a new job. So I ignored my symptoms and assumed once things settled down so would the depression. I got married Feb. 29th and moved March 1st.

Around mid-April I realized that my depression was still continuing to get worse. I reached out to my psychiatrist to try and get an appointment, or at least figure something out over the phone. It turned out that she was on medical leave but I could set an appointment for the middle of June. I did so but let them know that I still needed to be seen sooner. They told me they'd pass the message along and get back to me. A week went by without a call so I called back. They again told me that they'd pass the message along to her nurse and that the nurse would get back to me. After some phone tag I finally was able to talk to someone. They told me that they'd increase my meds but that they weren't able to get me in. I took the new doses for 2 weeks and nothing was getting better. I called again and after another few days of phone tag they said they bump the doses up further.

Things were going downhill fast and like usual, when my depression gets worse my PTSD goes from manageable to hell. I was waking up multiple times a night from nightmares and having multiple panic attacks a day. I began to have a lot of suicidal thoughts. I had to quit working. A few weeks ago my husband had me hospitalized. They let me out after a day since I wasn't an active threat to myself. A few days later we decided to check me back in. Again they discharged me after a day saying the same thing. While there they kept pushing DBT. I've done DBT multiple times in the past with little success. I couldn't seem to explain to them why it didn't help. They decided to put me into partial hospitalization. I started a week ago.

Things were going great while I was there. I was having a lot of success with OT and the sensory integration. I was having less success with the DBT skills groups they had us in.

On Friday morning I woke up from a new, very vivid nightmare. I was instantly triggered into flashbacks. They just kept looping. When I arrived at the program I couldn't focus. I was disembodied and I couldn't get my eyes to track. That isn't uncommon for me when I'm extremely triggered. It takes a lot of energy to get my eyes to move, they just stare. I'm not able to get them to lift up above the midline so I'm not able to make eye contact with anyone. During our morning processing group I reported what was happening. I wasn't able to discuss a lot of what was happening with our therapist/group leader because I wasn't able to connect with my mind or body very well. I kept slipping back into flashbacks. She is one who is very DBT focused and always pushes me to apply the skills or identify negative self-talk. Afterwards I had OT. The OT I worked with was very kind and understanding. She knew that I wasn't able to control what was happening and worked with me to try and find something that might help me feel grounded. She always asked my permission before suggesting something and didn't push when I wasn't able to complete certain tasks. In the afternoon I was still stuck in zombie mode. I couldn't pull out of it. During one of the other groups my therapist/group leader pulled me out to talk. She wanted to make sure I'd be safe over the 3 day weekend. I told her that I would be. She asked if we could go over my treatment goals. I didn't respond so she started going over them anyways. She asked me what I planned to do after the partial program was over. I wasn't sure. She told me I should do DBT. I told her no. She pushed again telling me that I should try again and actually apply the skills. I should let you know that this whole conversation was really taxing because I was trying to focus but my mind kept drifting and a lot of what she said was confusing me. She finally dropped it and went back to my goals. She handed me the sheet and told me to read over them. This is something that I'm really self-conscious about. I was still not able to make my eyes to move and stop staring. When I'm like that I can't read. Even though I know it has nothing to do with my intellect, it still makes me feel inferior. She then asked me if I was even reading them. I explained to her what was happening. She then told me that she'll have me sign the treatment goals and we could go over them later. I wasn't in any condition to sign but I did what I was told. I even needed to ask her to point out on the paper where to sign because I wasn't able to see or read the sheet. She pushed me to talk about what was going on. I told her I was still having flashbacks from this morning. I told her I also felt really disconnected from my body. She then asked me to tell her what I felt with my feet. I couldn't answer her because I didn't know. She seemed frustrated. She tried other body parts with the same result. She asked me how groups were going today. I told her they were really hard because I couldn't concentrate and that I felt exhausted. I don't remember what else she said but she kept pushing me for responses. Finally I started crying and repeating that I wanted to go home. She then asked me if I remember the participation agreement I had signed in the beginning and that if I left early it would count as an absence. Due to some appointments I had set up I couldn't have another absence without getting discharged from the program. She began to tell me that insurance would have an issue with that and I may risk any further treatments being covered. I told her that I felt trapped and that I was being punished. She kept pushing. Finally I completely snapped and ran out of there. I actually ran to my car. I was having a full blown panic attack. The one good side was that she pushed me into fight or flight mode and my eyes were back to working. The whole drive home I was bawling and screaming I want to go home. When I got home my husband who was asleep (he works overnights) woke up when he heard me crying and came out. I just kept repeating don't make me go back there, I don't want to go back and she kept pushing, she wouldn't stop pushing. Finally he was able to get the story from me. Since he was my emergency contact she ended up calling him. He *****ed her out. Telling her how pushing me when I felt trapped and cornered would only make it worse and how she shouldn't have brought up insurance, one of my stressors, when I was already super overwhelmed. He told her that I wouldn't be returning. She told him that I needed to call back and officially withdraw. I am so thankful for him! This whole weekend I've had therapy nightmares added to my usual nightmares. I've also had panic attacks every time I've thought about going back or seeing that woman. I'm really disappointed too because I had hope that that program would really help me. I liked who I was in groups with and especially the help I was getting through OT. Yesterday I called and left a message with the place telling them that I couldn't return. I knew they were closed but I didn't want to talk to anyone. I feel even more helpless now.

The one good thing that came out of this is that I now know how to explain why DBT wasn't helpful. I've had similar problems in the past. DBT therapists don't seem to know how to handle PTSD. They are so focused on the cognitive and wanting me to identify and change my negative thought patterns that they complete ignore that PTSD is largely a physiological response. In the past, and again repeated on Friday, they keep pushing or digging and don't let up. They want to argue with what I was feeling instead of validating that I was feeling and helping me identify what it was I felt. I felt so backed into a corner and even more powerless. I couldn't think straight and this woman was unrelenting. I don't even remember most of what she was saying. All I do remember is that I felt terrified.