{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}} I am just going to repeat a couple of things that the others have already said.

I used to think that that part of me that was efficient and well balanced and able to cope with the world was a lie. I hated that part of me because that is the part that other people WANT to see so that is the part that they notice. So many times I have heard things like "she is the rock that holds us together" and "She is the calm in the storm." It drove me crazy because inside I was feeling crazy. Here I am cutting and hurting myself because I just couldn't cope with life in a productive way. I couldn't cope but every one else saw me as...OK. They didn't see the hurting part of me. That made that part of me feel so very lonely. It took a long time for me to realize that I could use that part of me that others see as a calming influence to help myself. I look to that part of me as a guide to who I wish to be. If I can be that way for a portion of the day for other people then I can use that part of me for myself. She is my rock now. She is my calm in the storm. She is part of me.

As far as pushing the T away. I can so identify with that. I have hated my T to the core of my being. I hate him most when he is touching a part of me that I need to deal with but don't want to deal with. I dispise him for making me get better. I use those feelings of hate as a signal to me that we are enter and period of change and it will be good. When I hate him I know it is time for me to buckle down and work hard so that I can move forward.

Well, the stove delivery people are so I have to go. Take care Mary Alice. We love you,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson