I don't think it's dumb to hold on to hope, regardless of what that hope is. If there is something out there giving you hope, then cling to it. Because hope will keep you alive.

Good days can happen. I have been going through the most severe awful depression I could ever imagine, and today I actually had a break from the weight that always sits on my shoulders and chest and had a "good" day. Good days can happen.

I think skyping a doctor is a good idea. Maybe a family member could go with you to a doctor's appointment. I know your anxiety is high, but something's gotta give so you can start to feel better.

I know this might be a silly suggestion but diet and exercise can help a little bit in making you feel better. At least they can help you feel like you have some control and are trying something to feel better. Also, are you getting enough vitamin D? Naturally we get it from sunlight but when we are depressed and staying inside a lot, we don't get enough. You may need a supplement. I know when I lived in Montana I had to take a huge supplement to help me get the Vitamin D I needed.

I hope you find some relief.

Seesaw