I find it even hard to type tonigh. The anguish is crippling.
I hear people say that depression is a mesage, that pain can teach us something and make us stronger. I don't believe: it makes me even more scared and deprives me of any desire to live.

I haven't been so bad since 2001, since I decided to undergo treatment.

I look around and see a lot of horrible things happening. People cope and somewhat evercome the problems. And if they can't, they just accept it.
I can't make any of this. I've NEVER been challenged by life so far, no important person died, I never hed serious illness, I've never been hospitalized...

And still the mere idea of disgrace can crunch me easily. And many events are unavoidable. People seem smarter, tougher, competent, I feel like I am in a world of aliens and I'm less endowed with stamina and resilience. I know there are other sufferers like me, but that only increases my sadness.
I must be careful showing love to my parents, because I instaltny dread the time when I'll lose them. I can't touch my cat, for the same reason.

This morning I woke up trembling and moaning, and spent the day trying to keep desperation at bay. Tomorrow will be the same. I feel I can't do it. Right now I feel I can't do it.
I wish to die during sleep, I really want it. But I know my damn health won't let me.