morning velco . thanks for your thoughts . you are right i am always seeming to be in a state of anxiety and agitation . and im sure that is part of what hapend with my T. it has to be so exhausting. dealing with can not be fun . i see this so clear now and i do feel bad . i do this crap and act this way and dont even see it untill it comes back to me (and it always does) and hits me like a ton of bricks . mostly when it is to late to fix things . i have T today and im going to only talk about going on meds . maybe that will make things better for the people around me ,and me also .i wont need to be in therapy hopefully for long if the meds work . im done trying to deal with my past or trauma. i am not going to change .i dont know how . maybe the meds will do this for me . im also going to bring in my watch (i never have one ) to be sure she finishes in 35 min . she told me that she will probably eventually get yelled at for doing T the way she has been because i didnt like her talking notes . so she sees me longer and so on . i want nothing to do with her getting in trouble . so i will leave in 35 min . i wish this had never turned out like this . im so hurt but know it was my fault . its not like a im going to go eat worms kind of thing . but kind of a ,i know who i am kind of thing . anyway . i always feel you are so courageous along with so many others around here ,your ability to face these horrible things is amazing . its to much for me .give me meds dull the pain and send me on my way . a little better able to live