Hi everyone
my name is Anna, I am a 32. I used to have a boyfriend. We met 6 years ago: I had been in love with him until I met this other guy who literally tore my life apart. I am a gym teacher. Last year I did a year-long training, with workshops of one week each, every 3 months, in different parts of the country. There I met M., a guy with whom I shared so many common interests. We both were in relationships at the time and he just seemed a nice guy to me, kind and humble, undoubtedly one of the persons with whom I had had the most amazing conversations in many years. He seemed like a friend among strangers.

At the second workshop in May, M. was single and he changed his attitude. He started a courtship, despite me having a boyfriend. Another girl there, S., was after him. I (wrongly) assumed this guy really liked me if he went after me instead: I was with someone else, she was single, I am shy, she is not, I’m not easy, she is… The last night of the training course, after a dinner and a party, this guy walked me to my hotel room and he kissed me. I was overwhelmed. Until that point I thought my attraction had been all in my mind. Afterwards, I could not stop thinking about him. So I wrote him an email, and he answered and we wrote a few emails and as I started having real doubts I told my boyfriend we should break up. It was tough but I did not want to cheat on him. I only wanted to understand what was going on in my heart. Was this love or just lust?

Soon after I went to the town where this other guy lives. When I gave him my number he immediately invited me to his place for “dinner”. I suggested to meet in a pub, so we did: I wanted him to like me for who I am, not because of some sex. It was a nice romantic evening, he kissed me at the bus stop when we said goodbye; however, he also admitted cheating on his previous girlfriend, having an affair with a married woman, which was still going on.

This would have been enough to run away, wouldn't it? But no, despite this, when I got back home I still wanted him, I felt he was the love of my life. I wondered why he changed his mind about bringing me to his place after that very first invitation, and I got paranoid: was it my fault, should I have been more seductive? He would write me emails throughout the following month and then disappear again until the last training ground, when he acted hot/cold. In the end he wrote me he only thought we should be friends. I later realized he was already trying to sleep with that other girl from the training group. and that some things about me which I had thought he had commented for small talk, were just ways of subtly criticizing me.

Unlike me, right after the last training meeting this other girl went to the town where this guy lives, she went to dinner at his place, they slept together and now they are a couple. I was working in a volleyball team with this girl at the time but she would not openly admit the affair with me, she would lie about it telling me at the same time that she had not heard about anyone from the training group... only to end up speaking about M. and his character and how narcissistic he is and how lucky I was to have got ridden of him. In order not to jeopardize the job, I did never tell her I understood she was lying.

And I only went into "I am not good enough compared to her". I just hurt so much all the time. I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable when I meet this girl particularly, because her presence makes me feel like a loser. I cannot help it and in these last few months I have been feeling better and realizing some things about the whole situation. But each time I felt like moving on, I bumped into this girl and I got, I still go back to my hurting-self. I feel as if I should hide in a black hole in the ground out of shame. I wish this guy could have been just lovable like he had been at the beginning.

I feel a failure with that asshole (wandering: should I have been more sexy and seductive? should I have gone to his place upon invitation? should I have been an easy girl? Normally I am proud of not being one), a failure in the relationship with my boyfriend, a failure generally. I'm so miserable. I know I should not and most days I go through the day but sooner or later memories hunt me like ghosts, I feel I'm going crazy. I read so many articles in the Internet about t Narcissism that now i wonder how much of this guy was a narcissist and how much of my own narcissism brought me there. Thanks for your support.