I'm kind of sending out a SOS here........I'm really stressed lately. I've been waiting for some things to clear regarding my job, and basically am down to the last few days, as my temporary license will expire soon. If things don't clear, from my past, I will lose my job. I just also accepted another job in the same field, which means I would lose two jobs.

The only person left from my class got his permanent license from the State - and I haven't yet.......which makes me afraid. Without my job, there will be no money to keep things from sinking here at home.

More I guess, is if these "things" don't clear with the State, I will feel sub-human again. This stuff is from 10 years ago and I thought I had buried it all back then - but like Stephen King says, some things never stay buried. I've had so many memories, horrible flashbacks since I started this job - but I took a chance thinking I could keep things under control and that 10 years was long enough - how wrong I was.

Sometimes at work I am posted out at little huts all by myself. Classic example is last night. I work third shift and am alllllllllll alone out there except for truck drivers that speed through. From 2am-4am, I tried everything I could to stop thinking about harming myself. I ended up counting the meds I had with me, and knew that 28 of them would not do the trick.

I've starting burning myself again. I told my pdoc about all of this yesterday and we went over my game plan, that hopefully, if things go wrong, I can do: during normal day hours I am to call or page him ASAP and he will respond. Outside of that I have to get to the hospital, where I was in Sept., and check myself in - a 45 min. drive from my house.

I go to that hospital because he works out of there, but mostly because they are the best around. All of my docs, and my son's, are affiliated with it. Here in town, you'd rather be dead than go there.

My pdoc is proud of me for trying to get something in place - my T is upset I think because I am going to my pdoc for all of this, but I am just not comfortable with him. I'm trying to work things out with my T but he is more interested in "goals" and "safety plans" than about really talking to me. After all the appts. I've had with him, he really knows nothing about me or my past. My pdoc, on the other hand, is awesome. He gives me samples of meds because I now have no insurance, and he's checking into it so that he doesn't charge me for visits, so I can keep going.

The hospital/clinic has a "hardship" program which has covered a lot of my back bills and if my pdoc can't do that, which he will charge me only what I can afford, which is next to nothing.

I'm scared - if things go bad I have no other jobs lined up. I can't afford 2 or 3 weeks before I get a job. I've been working 12 hour shifts trying to get extra money, time and a half. I'm so used to salary and dropping down to hourly is really hurting me financially. It feels like this huge vise is squeezing me to see just far I can go without exploding.

So, may I please have squishies, hugs, etc.? I need some support over the next few days........please.

Mary Alice