As I posted before, my father is a major alcoholic and I have only seen him once in over 10 years. Well, this weekend I went back home and visited him. The visit was really good and I feel okay about facing a lot of my past.

My father gets so drunk he sits and pees his pants because he can't make it to the bathroom...he is almost never sober. It just so happens it was towards the end of the month and my father was out of money--he could not buy any booze. So, he was sober for our visit. He spends all his money on booze, so his utilities have been shut off and his trailer is full of trash. He is not in very good physical shape...

My visit with him was good. We talked and when I left we both said I love you. So, the purpose of my trip was fulfilled--I just wanted him to know I love him. I love him even though he is an alcoholic.

All and all, I feel good about seeing him. I know that he is probably not going to change and he will continue to drink as much as he can as often as he can, but now I have some thoughts about our relationship. I think I am strong enough in my sobriety that I can form some type of relationship with him. The first rule is going to be that I make all my visits at the end of the month when he has no money. Then I have a better chance of catching him sober. My second rule is that I am not going to get sucked back into the insane codependency crap--no matter what, I am going to take care of myself first.

I am emotionally drained...but, I am glad I visited my father and I am glad I faced part of my past. This time when I looked at my past I did not freak out--therapy must be doing some good! I am at a better level of acceptance than I have ever been.

I am grateful to be sober and although I wish my father was sober, I accept him for who he is...I love my father.