I can feel myself starting to sink deeper already today. This is the cycle I was hoping the zoloft would help. It doesn't help that the weekend was a disaster. My bday was on Friday, and I always feel disappointed at the end of the day. My parents gave me money, and I went out to spend it on Saturday. I bought 4 blind box figures from a comic book store, and when I opened them all but one were duplicates of what I already have. I was upset by it, and it made me think of how nothing I spend money on ever seems to keep me satisfied for long. I can really want something, but when I buy it and take it home I have so many regrets, and it doesn't hold the same meaning as it did when I just wanted it still. I wonder if I've always felt this, or if it's part of the depression.

I already posted on Sunday about how badly that went. I blocked my bf out for a while that day, because I just didn't want comfort from anyone. He was ok with me though, and once I stopped pushing him away he was able to slowly bring my mood up some. He got me playing video games, and made food for us even though I didn't want to eat. I don't know if I can ever express how grateful I am to have him in my life.

Yesterday was a mixed bag. We went to a cookout with my family for the holiday, I got a little anxious after a few hours but otherwise it was fun. My bf got upset with his family later in the evening, though, which always brings me down because I don't know how to comfort him. The night really went downhill from there, and I made myself so upset when he left that I threw up. Even though I asked him not to stay the night, because I had to get up early today, it still felt like he was abandoning me when he left, and it hurt. We've been talking about it already today though, and I know our relationship is safe. I hate it when we start talking about how crappy it is that we don't live together, because I always feel like it's mostly my fault. I was so eager to move out of my parents' house last year that I picked the first nice place I found, really. No pets, so my bf can't move in with his dog. And I signed a year lease, so I can't leave for another 3 months. It makes me feel bad. I didn't think about how long a year would be, and even though I thought I "needed" the experience of living alone, it's been hell.