That sounds really tough. I don't have any advice I am afraid because I am not in that situation. My stuff is from many years ago. The only thing that I can possibly think of is left brain vs right brain.

You describe talking about it flatly, logically almost. This is left brain analytical stuff. The right brain deals more with emotions and it may be this that you need to deal with. Going through the right brain and feeling the pain and fear in the safe environment once trust is eatablished. Very loose explanation but you sound intelligent enough to look it up and figure it out for yourself. It can take more than just talking about it.