Wanna talk self-injury? I think I've perfected a new method, although it probably belongs in the ED forum instead.

I have just felt "unreal" most of today. Like, OK, my body is present, but my mind and soul have left the building, possibly never to return. I don't know if I can even really call it "apathetic" -- I just feel like an empty house. The house still exists if nobody's in it, but there's no life in it.

Ordinarily, if I want to feel something, I cut. Razor blades hurt, and they prove to me that I can actually feel something, anything, even bad somethings like pain.

Today I decided to try to anesthetize myself in a slightly different way. I didn't go out like I was supposed to because I couldn't face feeling like a zombie and having to interact with people when I wasn't really there, you know? Besides, with the Klonopin I'm not supposed to drink.

So instead, I decided to self-medicate with food. This has long been an issue, and is a story, or multiple stories, for another time and forum. But I went to the store, bought a frozen pizza, a big bag of chips, and a half gallon of ice cream.

So far I've had 3 bowls of ice cream, at least 1/2 of the bag of chips, and the pizza. And now I feel something -- I have the sensation of being full (and perhaps a little queasy, LOL). But I'm still not "home." The house is still empty. I still don't really feel anything at all. I'm aware that I'm typing this, but it isn't "me" because "me" is somewhere else right now, on vacation or moved or something and didn't leave a forwarding address.

I doubt this made any sense at all -- sorry. I'm going to try to go to bed now and hope "me" has found its way home by morning.

Candy