i'm more of an ocd compulsive hair cutter than hair puller but figured this belonged in this section. i have about an inch of hair left all over my head. yesterday was the last time i cut some in the front to try to "even" it out ha. i feel guilty because i look like i have some kind of physical illness but really it is all mental. i decided i want it to end. with the change in months from may to june i have packed up my scissors and also shaving cream and razors (they all become related in my ocd ritual world) and this morning i dropped them off in the food pantry bin at the church where my daughter has preschool. i hope someone else can use them. i am not religious but i said a prayer beforehand and even crossed myself, praying that someone else can use these things and that i have the strength not to replace them.

i have struggled with the idea that it takes more energy away from my kids to overcome the obsession and compulsion of haircutting/shaving rather than to just give in to it and let them have a mom with no hair but who is happier and more peaceful for it. but it has just become too hard. i want to feel like a woman again with hair on my head. i know women can be feminine without hair and i definitely don't mean offense to anyone. but in my world with my husband he likes me with hair, and i feel like i look like crap.

i think i felt like i reached rock bottom when i had to reach out to a family member today who is planning a professional family portrait for the month of july. i had to tell him that i have no hair and that i just didn't want it to be a "thing" that day. and would it be okay if i wore a nice hat or scarf on my head? or perhaps skip it altogether i would totally understand if that is easier.

so in the end i am staying in the fight. i want to be a better example for my daughters. thank you to anyone who read my ramblings here. thank goodness for those of you on pc who understand. my hugs and compassion to you all.