I have a long history of painful transference with teachers, lecturers and other figures of 'authority'. After the most serious of my suicide attempts, I was hospitalised and then finally got to see a really good CBT therapist, which is what I had been wanting. I saw him for 8 years during which I managed to stop self-harming (despite continued impulse to do so during times of high emotion). Also, no suicide attempts or need for hospitalisation.

Though I have a partner I love very much I also had various types of intense transference with this therapist. He was ok with discussing it and handled it with great compassion. About 2 years ago I stopped seeing him weekly and started seeing him only every two weeks. The reason was that days after I saw him I would start worrying about whether he really cared about me or it was just an act, and I would work myself into a real state. And then when I saw him after a week I would be completely reassured and for the same thing to happen days later. This stopped happening when appointments were further apart. He said that so long as I was less preoccupied with the matter it WAS a good thing.

He emailed me to say that he was going in for an operation and we could be in email contact in a few weeks but that he would only resume practice in June. I waited a couple of weeks and then kept emailing. Messages came back saying his postbox was full and after a week of this I phoned the pager. It turns out I had missed an SMS from two weeks earlier saying he had passed away.

I had missed the memorial. I made my own with flowers and candles. I'v also had wonderfully supportive friends to talk to. But I miss him so intensely: I keep looking for things about him, or of him, on the internet. There are a few pics I keep staring at. I'v gone through all the emails he ever sent me. But as a patient, there is SO LITTLE I have access to. Has anyone had this experience???