(Sorry this is so long. :-s )

Well, today I'm a bit irritated. But I'm also feeling good about myself because I think what has happened to me today would have gotten me really angry, in the past. Instead, I've been trying to be proactive about it. Yet my ability to keep myself in check might not have to do with growth, but instead be because I'm so emotionally numb these days. So, I don't know if my emotional state right now is good, or bad, or whatever.

First, I found out today that a moderator here deleted one of my posts, but did not PM me to tell me why. If the content of my post violated some kind of rule here, I certainly want to know why so I don't do it again. You would think that they would know it would be important to explain something like this, right?

After I found my post deleted, I searched the forum for a list of rules on posting here, and the only one I found was on using the trigger icon and nothing I wrote in the post would have been triggering to anyone. There was nothing else. So, whatever rule I violated, it was unwritten and there should be no unwritten rules in a place like this. (Many of us were expected to read people's minds in our dysfunctional families, and we shouldn't have to read minds here, right?)

Anyway, I'm irritated about it, but not bent out of shape. I have messaged one of the moderators of that forum (where my post was deleted) to ask why it was deleted. As I am new here and still learning my way around, I certainly want to know where the boundaries are so I don't cross them. I am still waiting for a response.

The other thing that happened today was my dad tried to get me to "tango" with him (to use Curry's term). I had a late lunch yesterday, so I told my mom to just put the leftovers from dinner in the refrigerator and I would eat later, which I did. I didn't think it was any big deal my not eating dinner with them as no one says anything throughout, and we are done in about 10 minutes. Plus, dinner always consists of frozen, family-sized meals, and isn’t something my mother spends a lot of time on.

Today, as I was eating my breakfast, my dad came into the kitchen and told me that mom was all upset that I didn't tell her I wasn't going to eat the dinner that she “prepared” and she had to throw it out. Not true, I did eat it, and I told him so. But he wouldn't let up. He kept insisting she had to throw out this meal she even though I kept telling him that I did, in fact, eat the dinner. He said I should be more considerate and I hurt her feelings by not eating the dinner; that I should have told her earlier that I had no intention of eating the dinner, etc.

As is usual with me when someone in my family won't listen to what I say, my voice began to rise--I hate it when I do this--though I wasn't shouting.

In the end, when my dad walked away, there was no resolve as he refused to accept that I did eat the dinner.

My father knows my mother has dementia (she is 80 years old) and you would think he would know to question her reactions as she gets upset very easily these days about really little things. But he is in denial about her condition (he is very, very sharp, despite being 83 years old) and he continues to relate to her as if she isn't impaired. But because of her dementia, she probably forgot I told her to just put the dinner in the fridge for later, and got all confused and upset about what to do.

And of course, her getting upset has to be viewed as my fault. It is typical of the dynamic in my family to blame me when someone gets upset about something I do, even if I did nothing wrong: in this instance, it’s not my mother’s dementia that is at fault, I am simply inconsiderate of her feelings. Very typical.

Sorry, I'm just rambling now because my dad let it drop without our coming to any resolve. That can make me a little nuts because I like to resolve conflicts. When I can't, I can get a bit obsessive, and start ruminating on what happened, over and over.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Hang in there today everyone!

--Ceara1010