I, I, am not sure if I should write this....I'm not sure why I want to write this...I'm not sure who is writing this...I watched a prog over here in the UK last night about a man who ended up on the streets, an alcoholic and drug addict...and it was his story told backwards...I never ended up living on the streets but did spend odd nights alseep on the street because I was to drunk....I still daydream about life on the streets...on a park bench...to me that feels right...I want to commit such violence and neglect to myself ....the prog showed how Stuart, the guy in the film lost his childhood innocence...his brother molested him and then invited a friend to join in and there is a scene where the friend walks in with a milk bottle in his hand...need I say more....I had a "friend" when I was a child that I so desperately needed for him to like me...to validate my existence on this planet..i was a lonely child...would wander the streets just chatting to people...I dont remember exactly how our game started...I guess maybe it started like all childrens "games" start...I was only about 7 and we'd walk down to the red light area and look at the sex mags in the windows...a time before they were banned from street display...I would get excited at the thought of marrying this boy when I grew up and be in doors waiting for him to have sex with me...I dont know why at these ages that was in my our minds...our game went on for 4/5yrs....all I remember is me smiling and standing still and allowing him to do whatever he wanted.........this is where I get stuck...I know there are monsterous feelings underneath this part but I will not let them surface..I believed I was enjoying this game as much as he...he was a manipulative child that have such a charming way about him but underneath that charming way was cruelity...he would stick anything dirty that came to hand inside my backside...and I would allow this...I was part of this....but why then do I feel like dying when I think about this? why is it something that I live with inside of me day and night?...why if so innocent does it not go away?...in the film stuart was asked if he could change on thing about his life what would it be? I asked myself that question and I always thought I'd answer...oh to have had my real mum keep me...its that I would want the yrs spent with this boy to never had existed...to take that part of my life away!...so big a part of my memory..sordid acts and sordid places....a emense feeling of utter loneliness and shame...and that part of me I want to destroy...why? how can a game go on for so long? why? I dont understand any of it..except I wanted to be loved....but so young to know so much? how come? this is the part of me I want to throw awy!...no more to be said...I am dirt