I did at least go outside to feed the birds while he was arguing with our son. Son has since left to spend the night at his friends house. Smart son.

I am drinking not only because of h, but because of work today, and several other stressers all lumped together. I don't hate him all the time. Just sometimes. But I am fighting against my upbringing, you see. Divorce is only whispered about and frowned upon and an affront to God etc etc. Not that I even really believe in their "religion" anymore, but some things stick with a person, I do think more and more lately that I don't want to be married to him, or to anyone, anymore or ever again. But at the same time, I vowed til death do us part. I struggle with this often lately. How could I even be thinking this, when I vowed to love him until one of us dies? More importantly, what the hell was I thinking when I married him?!

Again, rhetorical. I'm sorry for dumping all of this on the couch. You guys are seeing right to the very core of me at the moment.

Eh, I don't need to call t. She wouldn't be able to do anything anyway. Just tell me the same things I already know. Yes, she would be sympathetic and kind but... so are you guys. I'm not going to do anything stupid. And once I go to bed shortly, I will talk to her in my head anyway and that will be enough. I do believe I truly have internalized her, I just forget that sometimes..... we have very helpful conversations right inside my head when I let them happen.....

I'm sorry for my word vomit y'all. But it's so very helpful.