im sorry by this post...

sometimes i feel like maybe the things i have done maybe have corrupted something that we would call a soul...
i am by far not an evil person and have never tried to use anything against any other human or creature ..

just sometimes i feel like maybe something beyond what i can explain ... "Wants me"

and i don't know what to say...
honestly i dont want to talk about it because the more i acknowledge it the more presence it has...
and i have tried to push it away for a long time, which i think has been semi-successful... in the sense that i am still alive, still not evil... still not practicing or worshiping anything and have not made any contracts or sold anything to any deity or entity...

but i know many things... even though i seem to walk in a form of limbo...
but i cant go into it because i cant talk about it because i dont want to think about it because i just want to pretend like i am not in this ... this.... whatever, it doesnt matter...

when i posted this im not sure what i was thinking... maybe i was scared, i dont know...
its hard for me to define these things...

and i just dont think i want to involve anyone else... so im not sure why i even put it here... because it could just be some silly thing in my head, or just another trick i seem to like to play on myself... not that i like it.... but other parts of my mind want to control you know... maybe i am a little smart and i use it against myself... but i think i must be pretty stupid to do some of the things i do...

well... i mean it could just be some weird psychotic stuff, who knows... sometimes i hope it is so that its not real...
but i dont really have a problem with psychosis so it makes me think that it is probably just my rational mind going a bit crazy because it slips out of my control...
which probably maybe could be not much indifferent from which psychosis is... ?
but to me my understanding of psychosis is that it involves paranoia... delusions.. hallucinations which are visual and auditory...
and i dont have a problem with that... so it can be scary sometimes when some real things happen... but its fine...

i kind of forgot about this post but i just want to say that im really maybe possibly the sweetest guy you could meet... kind... loving..
so i just dont want anyone to think bad of me because i do have the avatar of a skull in a robe...
but i use the avatar because i feel i have been alive for eons and my misery will not succumb to time.... it doesnt even have anything to do with the occult to me, just what i feel like...
so dont think im a bad person please....

but i have studied and researched many things that people fear the names of and words of... i have had a great deal of nightmares and terrors because of things i researched...
i say research because its not just a book i read but things i studied... some people say research when they just google something a few nights but i spent many years... even today find myself trying and searching and seeking...

you see i was raised christian, so i have a bit more than just the regular thought about certain subjects... because christians can be fearful...
especially when you talk about the books of the dark... but when you have a life like me you have no choice but to turn everything upside down....
you have no choice but to look for the answer because you need a reason....

a truth...

i have nightmares to this day from some things, but night terrors dont bother me so much anymore because i cant tell much real life from the dream life... it all feels the same besides waking life seems to last longer than the dream life... until sleep hides from you, but you are asleep in the dream and cant wake up...

but i dont know what im thinking... i think i broke my mind...
so i cant go on... and i dont know how to talk...

i seem to have fallen in with the wrong group of people, which may have had good intentions... at one point... but maybe the things i initiated caused a type of watch over me... a connection that im not sure how to break... and i am worried that make the ones that noticed me are not really interested in letting me forget...
because in this realm time is not a factor... but what power can be attained is... and i refuse to let anything take me or use me in the way that i feel some things want some times...

i am not sure how to say it without really causing any problems...
without really making myself look like a mad man... because anyone that has ever met me would tell you how i am... but sometimes it seems i am too good... sometimes it seems that i attract things that are beyond my strengths...
i am no longer with them... it has been years...

im not very sure why i posted this here in the first place...
maybe i was scared and wanted someone to be with me....

my head hurts....