Odd thing....

Lately I find myself going in and out of depression. When I am not depressed I range either from completely enraged to just calm. I am only enraged if first triggered though but I have no real "stages" of anger right now. I am not violent though either - just really "loud" and "red-faced", etc. When I am depressed though I find myself just randomly thinking Then when I am alone and come on this site I think "I should write a post about it" but then I don't. Not because I don't think I'm allowed. Not because I think nobody cares. Not even because I don't want anyone to know. The reason I don't is because I know this is something that is temporary that we all go through and that there is nothing anyone can do anything about. So - why am I writing it up now? Is it for attention? No. I have no need for that nor is this attention worthy. Is it to somehow educate? No. I believe this to pretty much be general knowledge by most of us.

I don't think most of us consider it though - and when some of these feelings crop up, we panic. I know I sometimes do that. When we panic - we either act rashly bc we figure we "have to" in order to be taken seriously about how we feel, or we go screaming to someone for help. I am not saying there is nothing we can do to help ourselves - sometimes there is, sometimes we have to suffer through it, but nobody else can help us with any of it - the only time they can help is those rare times it comes to a focused head and you are about to tip over - otherwise all they can do is listen. But, can we not listen to ourselves to help ourselves sort through our dilemmas? They can give us medications to weaken the symptoms - but does that really take the problem away? We are the ones with the key to our own well-being.

So yes, I think about suicide more often than I should. Would I try? Nope. Two reasons for that: First is simple: I don't believe you can successfully take your own life unless God determines it is time but that you can hurt yourself quite extensively - and the risk is not worth it. Second: I like to be able to honestly say "I tried everything to make it better" and then be sure it actually becomes better - so I need to see improvement of some nature - but if I do see improvement, it will give me enough encouragement to not give up ever. So see - in a strange way, even when it seems I am worse, I am actively strengthening myself. We can do things to make it better for ourselves but its up to us to discover what those things on and nobody can do that until they stop depending on others to "fix" them. I am not saying to stop going to your doctor - just don't see your doctor as a God with all the answers who can make no mistakes and is undeserving of being questioned and do not depend on family or friends or co-workers to be there to talk to or to go to in times of trouble. Learn to be your own best friend and confidant and pay attention to your needs as much as your triggers. Take care and be good to yourself.