I don't know that I would necessarily call it abuse as much as I'd call it a really bad early environment. It is more "neglect" rather than "abuse." I feel sorry for the older guys too who ended up drug addicted, in the court system, living on the streets, etc. I think of abuse as being more "directed" and one is more contained and being preyed on consistently by someone with more power over one. I would worry though about how your growing up affected/affects you. Being "ashamed" is not a good thing. Shame implies you have a feeling of responsibility for the situation. What thoughts do you have on what you could have done to make things different? What do you feel was "your fault"? I'm glad you were a scrappy little thing :-)

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I on the other hand was a lot more volatile, aggressive, and could get down right nasty and would fight back enough to draw blood. I think the fact that I was unpredictable left the boys a little more cautious of how far they would push me.

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But perhaps you feel you could have done more? I don't think you had the "resources" to do much else. If your parents were clueless (but perhaps you never told them what was going on so don't know if they would have done anything?) and you were forced out to "play" everyday, what else could you have done? I would definately explore it in therapy.

Don't forget though that all our experiences work together to form the "good" person we are. My stepmother was abusive but no one is/has just "one" thing/attribute and there are a lot of good things our relationship helped me use in myself. There is strength that developed in me as a result of the relationship and her "example." Nothing is ever all bad. You had too early practice taking care of yourself but did well it sounds like. You can count on yourself! That's a good thing to know.