When I have bad, predominantly "physical" memories like that, instinctive, "natural", I do a bit of a separation of my "animal" self from "Me"? We are "part" animal and I think, at the ages you're describing, that was the majority of what you had available to you. Think about yourself when you were young and how you didn't have words or "thoughts" or many ways of coping with things? It's very very primitive but you were able to "care" for yourself, you survived and are here now (and I'm glad), dinged up a bit :-) but still moving forward to your true self/home.

Have you ever read any of Robert Cormier's books? The Chocolate War is his best known one I think? I read his book, I Am The Cheese and it's the only book I have ever read that I wish I hadn't read but I "had" to, it wasn't something I could put down, not finish, etc. But I also know that wishing I hadn't read it doesn't "undo" what I read, that's a part of me now and has to be integrated. Innocence has to be lost, I think. Otherwise we don't "grow up." We have to see some really ugly sights, realize some really unpleasant realizations, etc. as we go through life. That's a part of our lives.

Sorry you're working with an ugly spot now. Glad you see there wasn't a whole lot you could do about it. I'm glad you continued on your journey and have gotten "here" where I can benefit from your struggles too :-)