I feel like I'm on a roller coaster within a roller coaster, my psych thinks I have rapid cycling bi polar as well as BPD, and it makes a lot of sense when I reflect on my ups and downs over time.

but I absolutely hate it, whenever I reach my peak of doing well I become even sadder than before, my mind tries to attack me and sometimes in my worst times I hear the same voice convincing me to do self destructive things, I can't stand it anymore because it all sounds so reasonable too. I just wish I could be normal, I lost and mentally scarred my last girlfriend by making her feel like it was all her fault, she left me knowing I needed help but I hate how I can't fix the pain I caused. I've lost so many friends and had to defer from uni to go to a mental hospital last year, I feel alienated in every environment I'm in, even with my family. It hurts even more because I know I'm a smart person and I know I have potential, but it's potential I don't have access to, the only thing I really have that makes my life somewhat worth living at times is my car which I have a passion for, but sometimes I can't even hold onto that enough. sorry if this is all a jumble my mind is running so fast.

I just need something to change in my life because it feels like I'm walking up a set of stairs that is falling down behind me and eventually will catch up to me, I don't know how much longer I can keep pushing. it hurts so much, everything I use to have feels like I had it just yesterday even though it was a year ago. even just having one solid friend to help me would be enough but I can't even achieve that, because I put such a confident happy look on when I'm around others everybody thinks I'm better now but I'm really not, and the few people I can talk to about stuff just ignore me when I panic because they think if they reply to me then it's enabling me to get caught up in my thoughts, I don't know what to do anymore