The anxiety has been elevated over the last week. Despite 6 months of having it relatively under control (CBT) it spiked last week in advance of volunteer work I was slated to do the last several days. As with other such performance situations I have been worrying about my ability to perform at an above average level (I am so worried about being passable that I tend to overdo it and perform at a high level - at extreme cost to my emotional well being). I worked hard with my CBT to cope and strategize but there was no getting around my worry of utter failure - and resulting humiliation.

Why should I feel this way? I mean, I'm not getting paid. There is no investment in me then to have perfect expectations. There is then nothing riding on this. The evidence is more to the fact that the expectations be rather minimal. If I screw up big deal.

But it is a big deal. I still have a need to be perfect, to garner positive attention that will translate to my feeling an aounce of worth.

Anxiety is such a ruler of life.