**potential trigger warning - talk of suicide**

I've been struggling a lot lately with the concept of choices: do we really have any, how can we know when we do etc? I seem to have a choice to make; at least my parents say I have a choice to make, but I think it's really an illusion...

Ok that's too cryptic, so I will be more specific but I really don't want replies telling me how mental I sound because I've had enough of that IRL!!

In my current reality I am being tested spiritually to decide whether I go to Heaven or Hell. So obviously I would choose to do what is needed to go to Heaven. Only the action that is required to cross over to Heaven is considered by everyone around me to be a suicide act, which is partly why I've been in hospital against my wishes for nearly 6 weeks now. The other reason is because I have to fast i.e. No food or drink before I can cross over and so I've lost a lot of weight. I did actually try to cross over a few weeks ago but there were...'technical difficulties' and then staff interrupted me.

I have another period to cross over tomorrow night, but my fasting went wrong today as I became too weak, even though it was only a day and a half, and my parents talked me into eating and drinking. They say that I'm alive and this is all created by my brain due to schizophrenia, and that I have to choose to live, in which case my choices seem to be having schizophrenia vs being dead. Honestly, I want neither! I loved my life and was finally happy after 8 years of depression, so I really don't want to be dead...but dead people don't get to choose to live...unless they're not really dead and are just mental like everyone keeps telling me I am???

I'm so confused about it all. I've tried being logical but the Moon has an answer for everything, such as why it seems and feels like Real Life around me, why everyone says I have sz, why I have been dead 6 months now and haven't yet dissolved into Hell like I'm told I will etc etc etc And so I don't know what to do. I really really don't want to go to Hell, but I also don't want to kill myself accidentally if I am really and truly alive. Do I have a choice? Do I truly get to choose??! Last time I was given a choice, it was a trick and they kidnapped & killed my dog and then threatened to torture and murder my family. Is this another trick???

Can anybody here think of a way I can figure out if I have a choice? Because I just can't figure it out myself anymore

PS: They haven't let me see a psychologist here yet, but I am being drugged against my will with 5mg olanzapine. It won't work because APs (or psych meds in general) don't work on me, and I don't have time to waste on getting to 20mg and then trying another one: If I'm dead, then I'm scared of dissolving to Hell, but if I am alive, then I don't want to spend all summer in the psych ward because it truly is awful here.

PPS: I will try to come back here but I am on my phone which is hard to read from, and I'm drugged asleep 16 hours a day with the olanzapine :/ so it might take a while to respond but I do appreciate you reading this and responding as I feel quite lost right now

*Willow*