If you wonder if you really have a choice or not, that means you can wonder somthing. If you can wonder you are alive, and If you choose to believe choices are illusions, you are choosing to believe that instead of believing choices truly exist, therefore you can choice!

And if you can choose, then choices exist.

I don't know if this is helpful.

But who is testing you? And why what you have to do to go to heaven would actually kill you? I am not really spiritual so I don't know what Heaven is, but I guess you go there after you have lived everything you could without hurting other people. So why do you have to stop eating?

I hope everything get better for you.

Can you talk with your psychiatrist about olanzapine don't making you feeling better and actually it makes you sleep to much?

"If I'm dead, then I'm scared of dissolving to Hell, but if I am alive, then I don't want to spend all summer in the psych ward because it truly is awful here."
Have you told this to your psychiatrist?

I think it's something really importat. I guess they neither want you to die nor being in a place it's awful for you. Maybe were they worried you could die while you tried to go heaven?

Can you go heaven doing somthing that won't be considered suicide or self-harm by psychiatrist or other people?