Hi folks,

Some deep thoughts here, and the familiar feeling that intellectualising can be the stuff of depression.

Maybe day-to-day living is not so bad if we see it as living in the now, rather than living in our dreams. I have gradually realised that we only have what we have now, the rest is history or dreams, and dreams turn can bad if you stay in there too long. For some of us, the history was always bad.

Having reached the depths a couple of years ago, I decided to do something right there and then. I picked up a few poems and took them out on the performance circuit. I ended up reading a poem about my panic disorder in a claustrophobic basement event in London, to an audience half my age,and getting some applause. I felt like I was having every anxiety symptom I have ever had in one go, but amazingly - no full blown panic attack.

Afterwards a big black rapper came over to me, as I sat in the bar with my daughter and her friends. He shook my hand and said, "You were good man; you tell it like it is." What can I say? Life doesn't get much better . My daughter knew what it cost me to go in and do the performance, and she was seeing me get some payback.

So, what about the dreams to aim for? I would say - survive the illness, don't give up, make something out of what's left. That's the only dream I have now. We have to work with what we have left.

The illness is all still there, it doesn't go away. The PhD that I gave up through depression is still hanging in my memory, all the mistakes are there to see, but I'm still here in the world and still fighting my corner.

Candy, you're a bright person, and strong too. I, for one, believe that things will turn better for you.

Good thoughts to you, Myzen