((((((((((((( soul )))))))))))))

Are you by any chance in therapy right now? It sounds to me like you have quite the internal battle going on and I'm sure it's exhausting and quite frightening at times.

Somehow, I don't get the impression that you are this bad person you feel you are. Could it be the old tapes from years gone by are being played over and over again to remind you of these very negative things to keep you spinning and questioning but not finding answers?