The thing is that I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me. Because I have said, "Enough! This hurts too much!" a few different times, only to apologize for my dysfunctional behavior...and fall right back into a pattern where I found myself begging for communication and attention, begging for closure, asking to please be let go but please, could he just tell me why he was doing ____ or _____. And he wouldn't. I would write these long, drawn out emails and/or texts explaining how I felt so that he would maybe understand me, and I would get nothing. Or something short.

We talked for just a few days in the last week after I lost my shyt last Thursday. He started opening up a little, and I thought I was making progress. But, in response to a long email from me he said, "I get overwhelmed easily. My energy levels seem too erratic, and suddenly I'll start withdrawing when my gas tank is getting low. At that point especially, I deal with pressure by withdrawing even more." That is how he explained his non-communication, his unwillingness to call or Skype, his unwillingness to talk about the stuff I'd been trying to talk about for weeks. And you know what? I believe him. He's bipolar, and I've noticed a big change in him. But maybe this is the real Joel, and the person I'd been casually communicating with before is who he wants people to think he is.

I was talking to him yesterday. We were texting, he was doing really well. And I was, too. But I started to recognize that, when I'm in communication with him, I have a perpetual knot in my stomach. I feel sick. I want to cry all the time. He actually was doing a decent job yesterday of communicating, if I'm honest. But then we were talking about my still being blocked, and he said, "I'll unblock you, as long as you stay steady." And I was like, "Um. I actually wasn't the one who overreacted this time," and proceeded to explain that, when I was blocked, I was in the middle of trying to keep the conversation rational, and got shut down. He said, "Noted." The convo went on about friends vs a relationship and I made a comment about how I felt that he liked the chase, and not the catch. And he said, "Catch and release, that's my motto." I said, "That's bull." To which he sent a :P And I replied, "What the F?" and he said, "Yep." And I guess I was supposed to know that he was kidding by the :P even though we were having a serious conversation, but I didn't, and burst into tears, lost my shyt, and yeah...degraded. And he's like, "See, this is what I mean by trying to keep it steady." Well you hurt my feelings! How am I supposed to know you are kidding, it is a text! And this is the crux of the whole thing; I don't do text. I can't discern tone well enough. I've been saying that forever. And that's what I said. And he backed down, but still, I realized, this is what he does--he says some shyt, pushes it just a little past where he knows it hurts me, and then swoops in with the apologies and the *hugs* and the, "Go eat, get some rest, we'll talk later." Bull. Shyt. It's almost abusive.

Something in me snapped last night, and I started turning into crazy stalker, and realized he had me blocked on more than FB (though he unblocked me last night). That he's even shadier than I realized. It's like, I've been riding this crazy roller coaster, and I don't even know why. I don't think there was another woman, not to the degree that I was in his life. But there was the fact that I had fallen to the bottom of the pile, so to speak, and he was complimenting other women, interacting with them, and etc, in the way he used to with me and was no longer. It was innocent...except for the fact that for all intents and purposes, we had an agreement as each other's #1. And I was most definitely not getting the attention I used to. I don't know what about that text exchange last night was the last straw for me, but I snapped. And I suddenly couldn't stand having him in my life for another minute. I just want to be me again.

And yes, I know we don't know why people do what they do, and sometimes it's best not to know that. I know. But this was my life. This was someone I never, ever imagined treating me this way. Ever. I had him in the back of my mind for years as the safe bet, the guy who had this unending crush on me who I knew I would eventually just give in to, an end up with, forever. Joel (that's his name. I don't care) was that guy. He had been that guy for so long. No one else had ever been so quietly persistent. And it is a huge loss to have him gone, feels like someone is punching me in the chest. Which is why I didn't want to do it for so long. I felt like, well, this wasn't a real relationship, surely we can be friends again, somehow. But there is way too much water under that bridge. I still blame myself for so much of this. If I had just been less pushy, if I had just not tested him so much. If I had been more trusting. If I had just gone with the flow a little more. If I had not, literally, acted like a complete psycho stalker. If I had just been normal, maybe he would have liked me more. And maybe all of that's true, I don't know. But I needed him to actually treat me like he liked me, when he supposedly liked me. He did, for a while. He was nice, over text, encouraging, sweet. But then he withdrew. And that's probably my fault. But I guess I wish he would have just let me go, then.