Idk. I'm sad.

I'm attractive. I'm overweight, but attractive. If I weren't sad and withdrawn and just not really interested in life lately, I'd be a catch. I'm just not a very warm person. I am resigned to the fact that I am not someone people readily want to date or be friends with. I take care of patients almost every day who are 10-20 years older than I am, who are so depressed they don't want to go on. They have no one--no friends, no significant others. Many of them are smart, were probably reasonably attractive before they stopped giving a shyt. And I can imagine they were a lot like me. And I have to try to tell them that they have a reason to keep going, when I know damned well that I am who they were 10-20 years ago, and both of us can agree, I'm feeding them a bunch of bull.

I realize that I'm 38 years old, haven't dated in 7 years, and have lost the one man who paid any significant attention to me in the last several years...and that was online. My "friends" don't call. I would sit at home if I didn't make the effort to contact people. I realize that I'm a ****ing loser.