I'm so tired. I will probably never make peace with my mind. When I think about it, I didn't have a day in the past few years that I wouldn't be constantly obsessing about my mind. I have a huge knowledge about psychology and neurology and still cannot find relief with any of this. What's more, I've already been in this place. I've already been writing things like that in the past. Didn't end up well, got crazy on meds, Xanax mostly. I'm still frightened about psychosis, because I don't believe the stuff like "it's impossible to get psychotic when you're having anxiety and ocd and are generally neurotic". Yeah, I can judge my brain and I'm obsessed with control, I still didn't always play it safe. I'd like to know very much whether I'm having troubles such as Asperger's or ADHD, but it's hard to find an available place in this country where they diagnose adults. I'm so socially awkward, have this sluggish cognitive tempo, disregulated social skills, I'm generally, let's call this, "irregular" with my life, on the other, I'm impulsive and very often driven by my desires and imagination.
I regulated my sleeping routine, still taking supplements, still have no job, so I'm kind of left alone with myself day after day. One day I'm unmotivated and depressed, the other I'm kind of okay, but with constant ocd thoughts (like I had this day about a week ago, where I would constantly ruminate over bad memories and had irrational ocd fears and ideas), yet the other one it's about my health and what if I'm gonna die soon and how come everyone hates me and most of the times it's writing and doing research that calms me down.
Yesterday I was having a terrible derealization while being out, lasted for a few minutes , I got emotionally numb and felt the world is very unreal and the cars looked so small, almost like toys, I thought and got immediately scared. Then it went away because I was trying to make my mind busy. I visited my family house where my grandparents live, very awful and dirty place to be, it's stresses me, and not only me, very much. I had a short argument with my father, got very grumpy so I just kept walking from one corner to the other to release the anger.
Today I woke up in a pretty irritable mood, but I started joking and smiling a bit few days ago with my parents so it doesn't seem that bad. That change in my mood got me alarmed: "Is it okay, when I'm feeling like joking, how can I feel this bit of excitement when my situation isn't that good? It might be a start of mania. Watch yourself" and the neverending circle of worry just kept going in my head (but i don't have the usual panic attacks anymore, it feels more blank) Yet I'm still feeling like in a brain fog, like my emotions are cut off. Then we went to another city to buy some furniture for me and spent about 5 hours in the shopping centre, I was very fine there, enjoyed it, yet got bored with shopping and just wanted to have it done finally. We had fun, which is pretty unusual. I've seen many beautiful cars along our way (I always pay attention to that with my father) and started daydreaming about making money, getting a higher social status, but someone don't forget to remind me that for now I'm plain broke and just yesterday was all frustrated about having no future and getting zero financial help. And today I sit and hope that why cannot I make money a bigger amount of money one day. Imagining such stuff always pushes me forward, but I shouldn't sail away from reality too much. And then it comes again: You're getting manic, you're surely bipolar.
I don't know if there's a person more afraid of her own mind than I am. I'm so bad at managing my emotions because I don't believe they are like other people's emotions, though it doesn't even matter. I wish someone could just run some blood tests and be like "you've got this, and this, and this and need to to that and that". I don't know if what I'm feeling is a "too much excitement for the moment" or just simple enjoyment that I exaggerate because I'm so hypersensitive to my moods. To feel okay I would have to be and feel the same every single day and be sure that it will be like this forever.