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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006
*disclaimer: Keep in mind this is only my personal perception/view of life as I see it, and I know I may be way off in my analysis... *
Sometimes we fall for or get attached to people that have certain aspects that our fantasy-oriented mind seems to want. What I mean is we, or at least a lot of people anyway, have this dream guy/dream girl fantasy in our minds that have certain things about them that we tend to be drawn to. Unfortunately those things usually are based on overly romantic ideal pictures. There is nothing wrong with having those things but I believe this part of our mind is detached from logic. What am I getting at? When we don't make conscious choices in who we allow ourselves to become attached to, we are typically driven by the fantasy attractions, the emotional side of things and romantic ideals of what we think we want in another person.
Where this goes wrong is that many, far too many, of those people that seem to have those traits lack the most fundamental traits we actually need in another person for lasting relationships. What I see in this guy you fell for is someone that clearly has some traits that magnetized you to him but they were not based on your personalities and behaviors being compatible. I see a difference in values for him and for you in so many ways but the way that you remain very enmeshed in the idea of making this work even if only on a friendship level as an attachment that goes beyond logic here. This is why I believe it may be something more akin to the "idea" of him than who he really is.
He does not communicate well when you need that the most. He is not as forthcoming with feelings as you need him to be. He withdraws at times when for you, it would be best to remain engaged and talk through things. Opposites in so many ways. I am sure that on a certain level you both appreciate and respect one another but having gone beyond the close friend level trying to get back to that with all of the remaining pain and disappointment experienced, it's going to be tough.
I honestly think that a good breather from him is the best idea here. Regardless of what the outcome is down the road a ways I don't think that continuing to try and figure out the issue and work things out even as friends is going to be as productive as you'd like or that It needs to be. After all, at this point I wouldn't suggest trying to have romantic connections with him anymore so really does it need to be worked on so hard?
I think that you two can be good friends in time, but really really think that a break, a complete break, not in anger, not in retaliation, revenge or anything negative but for the both of your peace of mind, is the best thing.
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I do totally understand what you mean. I'm just wondering what those traits are for me, lol. I'm wondering if you are seeing them more clearly than I. If so, please share. With Joel, I began to realize that we had nothing in common, and realized quite a while ago that it was probably heading in this direction. Like, there is that rational part of my brain, and then there is the, "But wait, but if only..." and I just want something to work out so badly, for once, that I try too hard. This is what happens, all the time. I was physically attracted to him, years ago. He doesn't look at all like he used to, doesn't do the same stuff he used to, isn't really who he used to be. Not nearly as dynamic. He has a "character" he goes by in SCA, for rapier fighting, and even has a fan page, the first name of which is Jack. I told him, in my last parting email, that I think this is his persona that he puts forth to everyone, and this is who people get to know, this is the person I had been attracted to all these years. I said I felt that I'd moved past the persona after a while into the real Joel, and we stopped liking each other at that point, because Joel wasn't very nice to me. Jack and I had stuff in common, Jack was fun to talk to, full of wit and banter, flirty, chivalrous, and kind. Because that's who Jack is in the SCA world. Joel is withdrawn, baseline grouchy, somewhat depressed, and not incredibly motivated when it comes to making a relationship work. He became Jack way back in 2006, right after his divorce and after his subsequent breakdown, when he took up rapier fighting and intense training for it. He will tell anyone, it saved his life. And it's great to have a hobby. But that persona isn't
him.
I have seen glimpses of what you're talking about with him, too. I know he was involved, for about 4 or more years, with a tall, strong-minded, intelligent, redhead who was part of the SCA world with him. Their relationship fell apart in 2011. He began pursuing me in 2012. There are even more things about her which I have learned are somewhat similar to me. He has a thing for redheads, and I don't know if it's because of her, or if it's just a preference. I asked him about her once, what happened between them, because, looking through his Flickr stream, they looked very happy. He said, "Oh, we weren't meeting each other's needs. She didn't like how I acted out, and I didn't feel she treated me fairly." Acted super casual about it, which I felt was weird, considering (though, I guess, they did break up 5 years ago). I asked him to expand on that, and he really wouldn't, stating that the acting out part was a part of him he wanted to let lie, and he sort of shut down on the not treating fairly part, stating he would talk about it another time (surprise). I told him that I was asking not out of jealousy or to pry, but because he looked incredibly happy, and she was also long distance (not by as much, but she was). And for me, understanding what he felt was "treating unfairly" was necessary. He simply said, "I understand." I got that statement a lot, but I still never got an elaboration.
Joel and I will never be friends. I will never try, and I'm sure he won't either, because that's not his style. There is too much water under the bridge. I acted too crazy. When I feel like someone is pulling away, I freak out. When I realize that they are pulling away, and hiding, being super shady, I freak out more. My ex-fiance was super shady right at the end of our relationship because he was seeing someone else just before we broke up (someone a mutual "friend" set him up with)...and he ended up marrying her.
I just don't understand why, if you have nothing to hide, you need to be shady. Just freaking tell the truth. And, as you said, if you're done with me, be done, and go. I don't do well with lies or deception or just...anything like that. I get that people want privacy, but when it affects me like this, it isn't really fair. Just be plain with me.