I'm a 17 year old teen who is pretty sure has OCD. Before I found out what OCD was, I thought I might be possessed by demons who were filling my thoughts with these annoying things, but then I found out about intrusive thoughts and OCD and it sounded a lot like what I have.

I had small symptoms of it ever since I was little. I used to sometimes look at non-family members in an angry way(without them noticing) and smile when I looked towards the direction where someone from my family was. I have no idea why, but one of my moms friends noticed at my pre-K graduation ceramony and my mom asked me about it. I forgot what I told her.

I would also have this certain short musical tune I would repeat in my head. I didn't know why I felt the need to, but I did. Then it moved on to a random movie title. Again, it was random to me and I didn't know why, but I did it. It was an urge.

Then when I was 11, I had a major depressive episode out of no where. I couldn't eat, I wanted to be in my room and at home all day, I got no joy in playing outside with my friends or my favorite cousins visiting, cried and felt sad for no reason, wanted to die, felt easily guilty. The pain was so strong I remember thinking I would rather get beat up. I remember it being so strong I felt it was impossible for it to ever go away.

I was embarassed and didn't wanna tell anyone, but my parents found out cause it was hard to hide it from them. They talked to me, and my mom told me "she understood", and that we all feel bad sometimes, but I know she didn't understand and told her. She's very social and has no mental problems as I can tell, but I know she wanted to help.

Anyway, during this time, my OCD got stronger for some reason. I would be walking, and all of a sudden feel the urge to stop and walk and repeat stepping back and fourth on that small piece of space, because I had a morbid thought about my family and felt that if I didn't do it, it would happen.

This manifested itself when I played video games and used the computer too. I would feel the need to go back in the video game or press certain buttons, or right before clicking a webpage on the internet, I had a bad thought and clicked back and foward until I felt it was just right and the thought wouldn't happen.

However, recently, the thoughts have been sexual, involving my mom, and it disgusts me. I don't find her sexually attractive and never have, and I've tested this before. I've looked at her to see if I really am, but all I see if my mother. Then I look away and the thoughts return.

It's annoying and the sad thing is my mom triggers it when I see her.

I've told doctors and a psychotherapist and a nurse practitioner who could prescribe meds that I think I have OCD, but they never take me seriously. Maybe I don't explain myself right.

The nurse practitioner gave me Zoloft for it once, but I'm very irresponsible with medication and take it irregularly. I never felt anything on the Zoloft anyway.

The other times, they've just told me I watch too much violent stuff and need to stop, or that we all have a morbid curiosity.

I admit, I've had a morbid curiousty since I was little, and looked for stuff kids my age shouldn't look for on the internet(gore), but it was just curiosity. And those images and videos did trigger me, but I still looked. See, a normal person would say this is gross and just exit, but I got triggered and have to stay until I think and think or do my ritual or whatever and then I can click out.

Theres been periods when I try to ignore it, and do, and I KNOW these thoughts aren't rational. Heck, people tell me I'm intelligent and give good advice because I see thins clearly(I have a rep for being reserved but "smart"), but the feeling that the thought will happen is too strong.

With my mom, I'm even paranoid and semi-convinced she likes me and wants.

Like RIGHT now, I looked at my phone to change the song, and as I was scrolling down, I had a thought, and I always say in my head(or if I'm alone, aloud), "ew no gross, that's disgusting", to like, calm the anxiety or something. And that can happen just one time, or I can repeat it if the thought is strong enough.

I remember being more little and thinking what if one day I'm driving, and have one of these thoughts and have to break, but I don't since I'm in the middle of trying to get rid of the feeling, or I think it's performing your OCD ritual.

It used to mostly happen at home(I'm home most of the time), but now it also happens outside of home.

I'm so used to having this, but it's so annoying. If I was 10, and knew that this would grow even stronger in the future, and by 7 years I would still have it and it would literally be half, maybe more of my life, I would think that I would have gone insane by now.

I'm not sure if these are dopamine and serotonin related, but I've done reading, and OCD and depressed are symptoms of having a deficiency of those two chemicals.

I've only had 2 depressive episodes. One in late 2010, the first one which was BAD. It lasted a bit over a month. And a second one in 2012, which also lasted about the same time, however this one was less severe and I could hide it. It was mostly emotional and not psysical like not eating as with the first episode.

I'm pretty sure what I have right now, and what I struggle with the most right now is OCD.

I've been diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type, or ADD.

I'm aloof. I don't really feel as much as others do. I have empathy, but not as much I think as most people. I've noticed this ever since I was little. I faked empathy tho, because I knew what to say and how tor react. However, I doubt I'm a psychopath or full blown sociopath.

I sometimes do risky things for fun. It's no where out of control tho, however, some might say I'm dumb for doing them.

I would say I am or am somewhat lethargic.

I ALWAYS, always listen to music at loud/max volume. I think maybe this is to be stimulated. It's always fast, like electronic music or rock. Right now I'm listening to Showtek, but I just listened to Ace of Spades by Motorhead(fast song). Or doesn't have to be fast, but have good beats. Not slow, pop music. If it's slow, it's always classical.

My OCD messes with this too. I sometimes need to rewind the song a bit.

I'm also always changing the song, especially in the car, which could be my ADHD.

I mention all of this since I couldn't find a neurolgical forum or one where it's "other". Maybe someone would actually read all of this (lol), and give soe advice.

I feel like a pretty normal guy, but maybe because I'm so used to living with all this.

I know I should go to a psychologist, but I'm not sure if we'd have enough money too. I'm also a pretty paranoid and skeptical person, and I'm not sure if they'd actually care about fixing me.

Like, having to talk and give medication regarding OCD, ADHD, and maybe depression(even tho I've haven't been depressed since 2012). I don't know how much money it'd be.