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Originally Posted by Ruari
I do totally understand what you mean. I'm just wondering what those traits are for me, lol. I'm wondering if you are seeing them more clearly than I. If so, please share. With Joel, I began to realize that we had nothing in common, and realized quite a while ago that it was probably heading in this direction. Like, there is that rational part of my brain, and then there is the, "But wait, but if only..." and I just want something to work out so badly, for once, that I try too hard. This is what happens, all the time. I was physically attracted to him, years ago. He doesn't look at all like he used to, doesn't do the same stuff he used to, isn't really who he used to be. Not nearly as dynamic. He has a "character" he goes by in SCA, for rapier fighting, and even has a fan page, the first name of which is Jack. I told him, in my last parting email, that I think this is his persona that he puts forth to everyone, and this is who people get to know, this is the person I had been attracted to all these years. I said I felt that I'd moved past the persona after a while into the real Joel, and we stopped liking each other at that point, because Joel wasn't very nice to me. Jack and I had stuff in common, Jack was fun to talk to, full of wit and banter, flirty, chivalrous, and kind. Because that's who Jack is in the SCA world. Joel is withdrawn, baseline grouchy, somewhat depressed, and not incredibly motivated when it comes to making a relationship work. He became Jack way back in 2006, right after his divorce and after his subsequent breakdown, when he took up rapier fighting and intense training for it. He will tell anyone, it saved his life. And it's great to have a hobby. But that persona isn't him.
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This makes a lot of sense, although extreme, with his playing the persona, it is on track with what I was saying...
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I have seen glimpses of what you're talking about with him, too. I know he was involved, for about 4 or more years, with a tall, strong-minded, intelligent, redhead who was part of the SCA world with him. Their relationship fell apart in 2011. He began pursuing me in 2012. There are even more things about her which I have learned are somewhat similar to me. He has a thing for redheads, and I don't know if it's because of her, or if it's just a preference. I asked him about her once, what happened between them, because, looking through his Flickr stream, they looked very happy. He said, "Oh, we weren't meeting each other's needs. She didn't like how I acted out, and I didn't feel she treated me fairly." Acted super casual about it, which I felt was weird, considering (though, I guess, they did break up 5 years ago). I asked him to expand on that, and he really wouldn't, stating that the acting out part was a part of him he wanted to let lie, and he sort of shut down on the not treating fairly part, stating he would talk about it another time (surprise). I told him that I was asking not out of jealousy or to pry, but because he looked incredibly happy, and she was also long distance (not by as much, but she was). And for me, understanding what he felt was "treating unfairly" was necessary. He simply said, "I understand." I got that statement a lot, but I still never got an elaboration.
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See this unexplanation of things or partial explanation of it kind of would be a warning flag to me early on. I mean for me, if I wanted to NOT share something I would leave it all out. Also part of what he seems to say happened with her seems like it's similar to what happened to you too. Didn't he say something about how you were treating him too? I dunno. the more you tell me about this guy the more questions seem to come up...
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Joel and I will never be friends. I will never try, and I'm sure he won't either, because that's not his style. There is too much water under the bridge. I acted too crazy. When I feel like someone is pulling away, I freak out. When I realize that they are pulling away, and hiding, being super shady, I freak out more. My ex-fiance was super shady right at the end of our relationship because he was seeing someone else just before we broke up (someone a mutual "friend" set him up with)...and he ended up marrying her.
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Two things to say about this part:
1. quit putting it all on yourself. First off stop talking like and calling yourself "crazy" even if you're saying it's all about your behavior. Thing is being overly emotional about things is deemed "crazy" far too often, there are far too many people in the world with the same abandonment, rejection, etc, issues and in almost every way are entirely normal people. overreacting to things when you were in the situation you were in is not really that outrageous. Let me go off on a tangent for a second because I feel it is relevant.
I am separated (sort of) from my ex, we were together, married for 14 yrs and then she left for 4+ (left the state and the kids with me) and now is back, only relying on me to help her on her feet which is taking forever ... though that's just background.. anyway my point. the separation for me was the first time in my life I was able to see myself as an individual, independent and find my own footing. I have changed because the rest of my life I have been attached to someone. Well, what have I learned that is relevant here? In a situation with a mate, a spouse or any other "romantic" partner, we change. With the right person, I believe we change for the better - no THEY should not and do not change us, but WE change. With toxic or dysfunctional partners it affects our behavior in a bad way. In fact they dont' need to be toxic or bad but if they don't mesh with us well, same thing to a different degree.
My point is, your reactions to him and "crazy" acting may have been exacerbated by the fact you were dealing with a guy that was clearly being unavailable, not forthcoming and as you said "shady" You want someone to share you life with not just be there and be a mystery. This alone, for you in particular is a big problem. You're very forward, forthcoming and willing to share yourself and everything with people, especially a mate, because of this, you naturally think and expect others to be the same way - this is one thing that I think you need to find in a partner. VERY IMPORTANT to you IMO.
2. Shady part: I don't like that he only partially said things and kept a lot from you and is part of why I say more and more questions come up about him. He not only sounds reserved but secretive about himself and it's no wonder it put you on edge!
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I just don't understand why, if you have nothing to hide, you need to be shady. Just freaking tell the truth. And, as you said, if you're done with me, be done, and go. I don't do well with lies or deception or just...anything like that. I get that people want privacy, but when it affects me like this, it isn't really fair. Just be plain with me.
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Privacy is for the public and acquaintences IN MY OPINION. the privacy between lovers or intimate partners should be minimal. yes there is still some that may be necessary but mostly I think openness and willing to reveal, is important. After all isn't the partner you want, the one that should be willing to be vulnerable and real to you?