I've been thinking on this. I do have ongoing relationships with people who abused me. My mom and my husband.

With my mom, there is a shift that I feel when I am around her. I struggle with the feelings of betrayal blindness, and the pain in my heart of not having a true knowledge of what "safety" feels like. For some reason, she takes great delight in retelling stories of when I was little and how defiant and strong willed I was. When that happens, I do "go away" - I'm still "there" but I'm not. If that makes sense.

With my husband, there is a "radar" always on. Watching in hypervigilance for any sign that things could erupt. It's very draining and I feel very detached. There are different "parts" of me that are there, like a barrier between him and me. Those parts wait for a warning from the "radar" that something may need to be done to keep things ok. Usually, one of those parts can handle the situation, there have been times that I just "went away" and I'm piecing that together with my counselor now.

I'm working on learning about boundaries, and what they are. Being raised in the environment that I was, I question whether I have been like a codependent and allowed his treatment of my, because I knew no better/different. As I've become stronger, he is making an attempt to change. That is very encouraging to me. I hope that I can learn how to turn the radar off and that I can learn what "safe" really is.